I have over 15 years experience being married to a Philophobic. It has been brutal at best. If it weren’t for my love for her and our child we would have ended this long ago. (she’s always been ready for the end, and had no trouble saying so)
When we first started dating she was going through a nasty divorce. I didn’t know it at the time, but when he left her, she had a nervous breakdown and started going out and sleeping around to try to ease the pain, her nine year old daughter pretty much helped her pick herself back up and get herself together. Besides a rough childhood I believe that is what kicked in the Philo mode. A few years later her mother passed away, my wife didn’t shed a tear, although she loved her mother dearly. My wife handled it like a robot. Throughout our marriage I have tried to get her to open her heart and let me in, all I would get is “there’s the door!” or talk about annulment then divorce. I have been abused so badly, you wouldn’t believe all the torment I’ve been through with her, but I hung on;
I felt like God himself wanted me to stay there. Last year our teen aged son finally pulled me aside and wanted to have a talk. He was sick of living with her. He said “Dad, you know how whenever something breaks, you always try to fix it? Even though most people would throw it away? Well, my whole life I’ve been watching you fix things, and that’s cool and all, but my whole life, I’ve also been watching you try to fix your marriage- I need you to know, you can’t fix it! You need to find someone that really loves you.” It has done real damage to him, he no-doubt will need counseling too.
Now here we are 15 and a half years later, through therapy and my own research and intuition, my wife has finally admitted that she has been too afraid all these years to let me in. Afraid of the man who loved her! Now, after all these years, I finally know the demon’s name that stole a chunk of our lives from us. Philophobia.
I’ve sent her links to all the great websites for healing Philophobia, she actually has been reading them and seems to appreciate the help. I on the other hand thank God for her sake, but wonder about myself now. It’s going to take a miracle to make me stay after all the abuse. Being almost nine years younger, and after the bashing my self esteem has taken, I spent the whole last year trying to talk myself into leaving. I feel like I helped her, but now what?! She was a monster to me and I’m not sure I can forget any of it. I’m happy she’s seen the light, but God I need healing now.
If you’re in a relationship with a Philo, bring it to light as soon as possible, don’t waste time. But do it with love and move slow or believe me, they will dump you and run! Any help you try to give will at first be taken as a threat to them. People living in fear can be Tense, Controlling, Competitive, Destructive, and Judgmental. But they will be the first to tell you that YOU are these things, not them! They will try to keep a list of all the things they don’t like about you in order to keep them from seeing all the good things about you. And yes they will tell people close to them how screwy you are instead of how great you are. (like a normal mate would) So beware, and be wise, hear my words and head my warnings. God bless you. You’ll need it.