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I feel trapped

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It is a constant battle of head versus heart. I can love my family and my close friends, but the other sex I just can’t fathom. I had a horrible experience the first time I had splayed affection. The guy never did anything wrong…it was me.

After kissing him that night, something in my brain told me it was wrong and disgusting. I felt his taste in my mouth and I spent hours mouth washing and brushing my teeth like some psycho. It was horrible and every time I thought about him I would get nauseous. I’ve had panic attacks before, I know what they’re like and I felt like I was on the verge of having one when I thought about him.

And I broke his heart because I lead him on in spite of what I felt. I felt trapped and stuck. I looked at it like it was an actual problem, like I had a debt I couldn’t pay. So I cut the news and moved on and the scary part is, when I did, I felt happy and free.

I started to think I was just free-spirited. But I’m not. I did it to so many other poor guys and I became the heartbreaker of my generation. I am so conflicted because my heart is telling me its okay to love, but my head feels like it’s committing a crime. I tell myself that I shouldn’t be loved by anyone and that the thought of someone having even the slightest bits of affection for me is crazy and impossible.

But I want to be loved and I want to love myself. How can I have celebrity crushes but not a basic crush? I just feel like I am judgmental bitch and I just want to understand myself better before I ruin it forever. I don’t want to feel trapped.

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