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Love and commitment

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Today I read about philophobia and felt the need to tell you something about my own feelings about it, because I think it matches me all the way.

I’ve always been rejected when it came to relationships and that kind of things. I’ve met some men, but I always felt the need to run away or even found those situations disgusting. Especially when those men tried to make sexual jokes in some kind of way. Even if it was just ‘talking’ and they didn’t really think about it and not touching or something like that.

But my problem in fact is that I mostly find strangers intriguing or attractive and even daydream about them and how it would be to be in a relationship with them. It’s kind of … that I like just thinking about them in an immense way and not really ever considering that it could work out.

For example I met a man in a train I travel with when I tried to get home from university. I’ve seen him three times and he always sat across from me. So I gathered all my courage and talked to him. He was kind and in my opinion very handsome. I saw him a second or third time and again, we talked.

So I told myself: ‘The next time you see him, you ask him out for a coffee or something.’

It never came to that, because I don’t travel with that train anymore and I really regret not asking him sooner.

What I want to say with this is simply: I want to feel near people, feel love and … all that comes with it, but I just can’t. Even if it could work out, I back off and mostly feel disgusted by the person and/or my own feelings. Even thinking that those persons think about me in some kind of sexual way makes me want to wash their brains or something.

I’m very anxious about commitment and even the slightest approach of someone is too much for me and I just want to break out.

Btw. I’m 20 and I really have a bad feeling about what people think of me. I only told my dearest friends that I never had a boyfriend before and they’re in fact okay with it. Why not? It isn’t so bad in general. I’m just a ‘late bloomer’. Well, that’s at least what I tell myself or try to convince me into, but the more time passes I really think I’m philophobic.

And to be honest, I’m kinda relieved now. Because if I am philophobic, I can better cope with it than with uncertainty about my whole self and behaviour.

I would be glad, if someone responded to this post and even could relate to it.

(And sorry for my english, it’s not my first language, but I think you get the point of it)

4 Comments

  1. brej brej

    It’s hard to be philophobic like me…

  2. Rachel Rachel

    I understand completely. I am just the same. Its like holding someone at a distance that feels safe but the moment it looks too real panic sets in. I am very aware that I like to be in control and as I have grown older I tend to want to pursue men for casual relationships but only if I am the ‘hunter’. If someone were to chat me up I would probably feel ‘hunted’ and then undergo a confusing mixture of emotions. I think the worst one is the feeling of being screwed over or duped in some way. I have always been like this. My way to deal with it is to make friends with men and reserve sex for fast encounters. I have never really wanted a cure. Loneliness is a part of my life but there are worse things and when I llok at the number of couples in miserable unions I tend to feel smug. I probably come across as superficial and arrogant but I do have deep feelings, I just can’t express them like other people do. I hope you can find a way to live that causes you less pain, I think it gets easier as you get older. Good luck

  3. Anonymous Anonymous

    Hello all…Unfortunately loneliness is our reality because it’s our safest way to live…it’s not fair..i know life isn’t fair..but this really isn’t fair because even blind, handicapped people, people having cancer etc..etc.. Still have the ability to love..nothing prevents these people from being able to fall in love like it does us, which is suppose to be the most natural human feeling we have.

    Feel like a freak!!

  4. Anon Anon

    ‘I want to feel near people, feel love and … all that comes with it, but I just can’t. Even if it could work out, I back off and mostly feel disgusted by the person and/or my own feelings. Even thinking that those persons think about me in some kind of sexual way makes me want to wash their brains or something.’

    Reading this has helped me understand something about myself that I’ve never been able to put into words before. It’s like you’ve taken some confused muddled thoughts out of my head and made sense of them. That sounds weird but I hope you get what I mean. Just wanted to say thanks.

    I’ve tried to explain this to people before but they just don’t get it. It’s really hard. I want to get over it but it’s a huge fear, I’m scared I’ll be alone forever because of it. I want a relationship, I’ve been asked out by people, but my fear always leads me to find some superficial reason to break it off.

    I even feel awkward talking about other peoples relationships (romantic ones) because I dread them asking me about mine. I just freeze when they do because I get worried whatever response I give will highlight my fear. I’m quite a confident person about most things so I think I manage to cover it up, but it’s really hard.

    I’m embarrassed of it and worry what people would think if they found out. I’m trying really hard to get over it but I’m finding it really difficult.

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