Today I read about philophobia and felt the need to tell you something about my own feelings about it, because I think it matches me all the way.
I’ve always been rejected when it came to relationships and that kind of things. I’ve met some men, but I always felt the need to run away or even found those situations disgusting. Especially when those men tried to make sexual jokes in some kind of way. Even if it was just ‘talking’ and they didn’t really think about it and not touching or something like that.
But my problem in fact is that I mostly find strangers intriguing or attractive and even daydream about them and how it would be to be in a relationship with them. It’s kind of … that I like just thinking about them in an immense way and not really ever considering that it could work out.
For example I met a man in a train I travel with when I tried to get home from university. I’ve seen him three times and he always sat across from me. So I gathered all my courage and talked to him. He was kind and in my opinion very handsome. I saw him a second or third time and again, we talked.
So I told myself: ‘The next time you see him, you ask him out for a coffee or something.’
It never came to that, because I don’t travel with that train anymore and I really regret not asking him sooner.
What I want to say with this is simply: I want to feel near people, feel love and … all that comes with it, but I just can’t. Even if it could work out, I back off and mostly feel disgusted by the person and/or my own feelings. Even thinking that those persons think about me in some kind of sexual way makes me want to wash their brains or something.
I’m very anxious about commitment and even the slightest approach of someone is too much for me and I just want to break out.
Btw. I’m 20 and I really have a bad feeling about what people think of me. I only told my dearest friends that I never had a boyfriend before and they’re in fact okay with it. Why not? It isn’t so bad in general. I’m just a ‘late bloomer’. Well, that’s at least what I tell myself or try to convince me into, but the more time passes I really think I’m philophobic.
And to be honest, I’m kinda relieved now. Because if I am philophobic, I can better cope with it than with uncertainty about my whole self and behaviour.
I would be glad, if someone responded to this post and even could relate to it.
(And sorry for my english, it’s not my first language, but I think you get the point of it)