Until age 14 I was basically alone. No siblings, foster care, and Jehovah witness with no other “jehovah witness” children to play with. At 14 I fell whole heartedly in love in every way with a guy who taught me how to speak, laugh, the social appropriate inter- and intra-personal skills, confidence, and trust.
Then… It was shattered. I decided then that I would dictate MY LIFE. That I would NEVER Fall in love again PERIOD. Of course I was able to have relationships. Or manipulation-ships where I chose completely emotionally unavailable men ON PURPOSE and liked it that way. I developed deep rooted control issues where I made the money, maintained the house, and even planned to the day when I would have a child AND…. GET THIS…. What daycare the CHILD was going to, because I wasn’t leaving her with the “father/husband”.
I was everyone’s dream. Public speaker, Professional, and OH MY GOD… have I mastered the charm and “love” manipulation. Until….. someone tries to “touch” me. Or “get too close”… Then, I light them on fire and throw them in the DEAD guy pile and NEVER EVER FORGIVE or speak to them again (The burning/dead guy is figurative, but the destroy in the most horrific acts of words and never speak to them again is LITERAL).
So, I find it hilarious that at age 34 and 3!! Yes count them THREE- 7 year relationships under my belt (control belt) it was actually a sociopath that made me look at what I was doing.
Bizarre, but I have gone back and looked at my “EXTREME PLANNING” and I often wonder… Was it really that bad? And what would I do differently? NOT MUCH…
I am literally TERRIFIED of being in love SO MUCH that the thought of being with someone who is just “MEH” is way better than someone who wants me to be “In love with them”…. That’s the odd part… I see OMG EVERYONE…. in line madly in love with me, I get serious marriage proposals at least once a year my whole life. However, if anyone pushes ME TO BE IN LOVE WITH THEM, it is an automatic RUN or FIGHT UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD (again figuratively) response.
Hmmm… 20 years and I never knew it was an actual Phobia… THANKS!