Since my divorce, I have been terrified of getting too close to another man. The thought of being with a man again scares and terrifies me because I’m always afraid that they’ll find a way to take advantage of me, that they are not all that nice, and that they will abuse my trust on some level.
I admit I put walls up, and emotional barriers. I’ve caught myself. I find myself only attracted to men that are in one way shape or form not able to commit to me, because it gives me the semblence of a relationship, and when it goes bad, like it usually does, it reinforces the fact that I was waiting for the ‘shoe to drop’. I am admittedly afraid of nice guys. I know that they are potentially stable and able to love, and that scares me. I am terrified of feeling out of control, out of loving someone to the point where they can love me back and perhaps take their love away on me again.
I have withdrawn from relationships because I feel such a high level of anxiety and all I can see they have the potential of going somewhere but by the same token I’m afraid that they will go somewhere, and then I curse myself after the anxiety lifts after I’ve driven the person away, or ended it. Then I realize I lost a potentially good thing. And that is horrible. But at least, my anxiety is gone. I can breathe again. I don’t feel like I’m suffocating or terrified of what may happen. I’m afraid that if I let go and love another man again, that he’ll find someway to hurt me, so rather than take the risk that the person could be genuine, I end it before I can be hurt again. I feel very sad about that too. I’m crying as I write this. Does this make sense? Do other people feel as messed up ugly confused as me? All I know is I want a family so bad, but I’m terrified as to what it means…surrender, faith, trust…how am I to trust another when I am so very scared??!??