This is both a story about my philophobia and my ex boyfriend who caused it.
I got my heart broken by my best friend. It was the most classic love cliche thing ever. I’ve always been an affectionate person and open to giving love and receiving it back. My best friend, who I’ll call Jack, and I had a crush on each other since we had become close but we didn’t tell eachother until one day by accident we found out and we decided to do something about it.
Jack had a problem where he’d just…leave. Without telling me where he was going or without answering texts, emails, calls, pages and any other things you could think of he’d leave and come back four months later and pick up where he left off. He did it before we decided to be together and promised me he wouldn’t do it to me again. He made a promise and I liked him so much, and loved him so much I just believe it and let myself go heels over head.
Anyway four months in and we both love eachother; its my birthday and I get an email saying happy birthday (not even a text or anything) and from that email I could just tell he was leaving. So far its been more than three months and he hasn’t come back. I don’t know where he went and I don’t know why.
It broke me when he did this. I’ve already had bad relationships in the past and I banked everything on thinking he’d be different when we were going out. He was able to make me swoon and forget in one word. While that sounds romantic I’m under the impression that maybe Jack is a philophobe at heart. He just leaves when things get too real.
When he left and I knew he wasn’t coming back I cried. I got emotionally distressed for such a long time. I loved that man so much and I knew he did love me back. I couldn’t understand how he’d hurt me so bad or just why it felt like my earth shattered when he left and I realised. I knew that all he’d have to say would be ” hey pretty girl, I’m back” and I’d forgive him immediately and the thought of that made me sick to my stomach. I became so afraid that he’d come back and leave me broken like this again. I made myself emotionally distressed because I felt so broken. I can’t express how sad I felt and I just believed that it was the love that killed it.
Now whenever I’m around men my pulse quickens and I get extremely nervous. The mention of his name has me sweating bullets and I get a physically ill feeling at the idea of ever being in love again. The memory of the power he held over me because I was so in love with him is so frightening to me that the idea of it makes me physically ill and I cry to even think about it.
I don’t know if this is temporary. It seems like it isn’t. I can’t love him and I feel my connections to other people dying slowly because I purposely have to distance myself for my own sanity.
Love can be a beautiful thing, I felt how powerful it was. I just hope one day I won’t start shaking at the idea of me experiencing it ever again.