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Stuck in the Middle – philophobia?

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I’ve had one previous “half boyfriend” as I so affectionately call him. I gave him this name because the day he called me to break up with me, he essentially told me he had cheated on me and all this other stuff that made me realize the whole thing was based on a lie. I was crushed, even though I had wanted to break up with him for a while.

We were so different. He smoked cigarettes, weed, drank often, and he was just so careless. He seemed to care about me, but he cared more about hanging out with his friends to do drugs, and I knew it. The problem was, I thought it wasn’t a big deal. At least I convinced myself that. I told myself throughout that relationship “If I fall in love with this guy I’ll be miserable” and I desperately wanted it to be over, so when he broke up with me I had a weight lifted off me, but I was still sad because of how it happened maybe? I still haven’t figured that part out.

Anyway, that relationship opened my eyes a bit, and I lost my naivety. I had a friend whom I developed a crush on while I was with the other guy (at the time things were about to end), and this guy was easy to talk to, and we texted often. A month or two later, he asked me out and I said yes. We’re a good match – we’re still together, but it’s been almost 5 months and if anything, I’ve lost interest in him. I was so sure I could fall in love with this guy, but as time went on, love only seemed to go farther away. And what’s worse, I have re-developed feelings for a guy I had a huge crush on a few years ago because we came back into contact. I don’t think I want to be in this relationship anymore, but when it is over I’ll definitely need time for myself.

The thought of possibly being philophobic scares me because I want to be in love someday. someday soon. I want to be loved, and love in return. But for right now, I’m terrified of him loving me because I know I can’t love him back.

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