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I regret being so mean

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I’m only 15 so i’ve never been in love or anything but i have had a boyfriend. I don’t really think it counts because it was only for two days, but it was the longest two days ever. I’d had a crush on one of my best guys friends for over a year and i would always imagine what it would be like to kiss him and to hold his hand and fall in love. I wanted to, really badly. I’d never told anyone but all my friends still could see it and they insisted that he liked me too and that i was just blind, but of course i never believed them.

Then a year later in eighth grade my friend, let’s call her Carly, decided to take matters into her own hands and let my guy friend know about my feelings for him and she thought she was just doing the both of us a favor, and it turns out that he did like me back. When she’d told me what she’s done, i guess i should’ve been excited. But i was paralyzed.

It was like the world stopped and i just stared at her wishing it was a dream. She told me that he would ask me out in fourth period, which was only five minutes away. This horrible feeling came over me that i’d never felt before. I couldn’t focus on anything and i started to freak out big time. I’d even contemplated skipping the class but i didn’t want a detention so i just sucked it up and went to class.

i tried to calm down but, to look normal, but everything was blurry and my heart was beating so loud it was the only thing i could hear. My skin felt extremely hot like i was sitting in front of a boiling fire and i kept shifting in my seat and running my fingers through my hair and whimpering. It was the most horrible feeling i have ever felt. And just to make it worse, he was gazing at me the entire class. He even sent one of his friends over to ask me for him but i could barely form a sentence. You can’t imagine what it felt like.

Then the fire drill bell sounded and i got out of my seat slowly, taking deep breaths, once again trying to calm down, but he took it as a chance to ask me himself. So i said yes. Believe me I did not want to say it but i couldn’t say no. What if he were to stop being my friend? But after two days i couldn’t take the panic attacks and it was getting harder to avoid him, since he practically knew every route i took in school everyday. I didn’t want to because i knew it would hurt him; he’d set his myspace status to extremely happy and wrote, like, an entire paragraph on how his life was so amazing. It scared me how commited he was and how happy he was.

So i told my friends that i couldn’t do it anymore, that i couldn’t take the pressure. And somehow word got out and he found out. i remember him telling me, “If you’re going to break up with me, just do it already.” About a week after that he wasn’t so depressed anymore, he even got a new haircut and was just as jovial as he was before. But we didn’t speak. It made me angry that we weren’t friends anymore. I blamed him for asking me out in the first place. It ruined us. But then when he did try to be friendly again i gave the cold shoulder. The freezing, arctic shoulder.

But he never gave up. Even though i was being a total bitch he still tried to talk to me and he’d still gaze at me from time to time. Then on the last day of school is when i caved in and i had my buddy back. My heart beat even sped up when he rested his hand on my shoulder to sign his name on my t-shirt. But it was too late and i haven’t seen him since. That was two years ago and i still miss him everyday and regret ever being so mean to him. Because he moved away and i’ll never him again.

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