My whole life I have never fully trusted anyone. I have never been able to let any one get close to my true self. Afraid of opening up and tearing down my walls, it terrifies me to no end. Growing up my parents faught all of the time. Physical, mental and emotional abuse was daily. As a child I was not allowed to express what I felt, or what I needed. Hugs were a rarity, as well as “I love you’s”
Now, at 37, I still do not know what “Love” really is. I am with a man currently and have put him through major hell. I don’t know why he sticks around. We have been together for 11 years, not married, when he discusses marriage, I get physically sick and change the subject immediately. I still, to this day, imagine life with other people, other guys that might be able to help fit a piece of this puzzle together. But when they show interest, I back off, big time.
I feel awful, I’m with a man who would do anything for me, and I cannot believe half of what he says, my mind tells me hes a liar, he’s gonna hurt you, that’s what love turns out to be, look elsewhere…it’s torment in my heart and mind every day. And thinking about other people and daydreaming ALOT about different situations, it tears me up, but I cannot stop it…how do you “turn it off”????? I feel I’m destined to be a loner.