I’m glad I stubled upon this site.
So much has been bubbling inside me, trying to figure my past out and how it has affected me.
Originally I looked up philophobia because its what the guy I’ve been dating off and on for 7 months is going thru, seeing his story over and over – but also seeing my own.
I was blind that I had never let myself truly love before, then when I finally let someone in he goes reclusive and cuts off communication.
I guess it starts back when I was a wee one, my mom would work nights so my dad would have me durring the day. He was very positive, praising, adoring, a very good daddy. He was my world. I also had an adoring boyfriend from the first day of kindergarten. I was a happy lil kiddo.
He got cancer and passed away when I was 8, 3 months later my mom had neglected me to the entertainment of a SNES and moved her abusive boyfriend in. And my best friend/boyfriend moved off. I felt abandoned by the world. I gained a lot of weight and was the laughing stock of the school from 4th grade till high school.
Just a few months later after my mom moved her bf in I started sleeping with her boyfriend’s step nephew (me 9, he 13) and I felt better. I was emotionally numb but was getting the physical attention I was needing – just not in the right way.
I slept with a few losers here and there from middle school to high school, but no relationships until my junior year. David and I were good friends since middle school, he moved a few towns away sophomore year. We started talking more and more and we had an on and off long distance (well, no vehicle) relationship and engagement, even a miscarriage when we were 17. I broke up with him right before prom because I didn’t wanna put up with it anymore (but we’re still good friends to this day, his wife is pretty much a sister to me).
Soon after graduating I started to date a local guy that was going to attend the same college I was – he drove to school while I was having to move closer to it since I didn’t drive. I dropped out within 2 months because he switched schools, moved back home and we stayed together for 8 months. I was too much for him emotionally.
Not long later I got with a PSYCHO – just weird… that lasted a good 4 months. I then dated someone with Asperger’s for about 5 months.
Then came hell… Greg.
Lust at first sight. Within two weeks he was moved in with me. It was a rocky relationship, he was emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive, cheated a lot, and just was no good for me. We split up after 8 months, only to find out a week later that I was preggers. 3 months of no contact and denying he was the dad, he finally came back around. he moved back in for support but we weren’t together. Then child support papers came in the mail, and he got back with me, and we popped another boy out. I was confusing love with the lust and not being lonely issue. Finally, after 4 years of it, I said enough. I kicked him out.
I was so scared to let anyone in, then 7 months later I went on an awesome date, had a great spark, the next day he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and cut ties. I was BEYOND pissed. I didn’t understand. I wasn’t in love with him yet but sensed something about him was different and it attracted me more to him. So for the next 11 months was countless nights of one night stands and friends with benefits.
He messaged me back in March and I lit up – March is the worst month for me since it’s the month my dad passed away. We hit it off more this time, I’ve never had a first kiss feel like that, to remember it so clearly. I’ve also never had anyone do me like he does. It rapidly turned into weekends over, I fall in love that I didn’t know could exist, then a lil over a month later he says he can’t do this, he doesn’t deserve me, and other things to push me away and blame it all on himself and cuts contact off. 3 weeks go by and we start talking again then a month later we finally hook up again. I’d not see him some weekends because he just wanted to be to himself.
He gave me the best birthday I’ve had this year, then a few weeks later just cuts me off contact again. we didn’t talk for 5 weeks, then last week he messaged me first.
Its different to me this time. I feel a smile and want him, my mind is in overdrive, I’m still in love with him, but on the other hand I’m anxious, I can’t sleep, I’ve lost 11 lbs in the past week, I stay to myself more, and I just want to hide from the world. It’s like what I felt when I lost my dad all over again.
During those 5 weeks, I saw a change in me for the worse – I didn’t even want physical contact from a man. They weren’t him. I’ve never had anyone get to me like this and its driving me insane.
What hurts the most is that I don’t know why, but having him in my life lets me smile on the inside with a happy glow, something I had been missing for 16 years.
Did a philo cause another philo?