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The boy who loved me

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I’m a teenager and have known for a while that I’m afraid of love, I just wish that guys would take a hint. I wouldn’t call myself attractive and my fear keeps me from even flirting with guys, but I’ve always had more “admirers” than any of my friends. Many of them were awesome guys. The kind girls look for, but when they tried to get close I wouldn’t talk to them for days and become isolated from everyone around me.

Then this boy I had been friends with for a long time dropped a bomb. He didn’t just like me he was in love. It scared me to my core and I couldn’t sleep that night. I later told him my fear because of his persistence. To this day he’s the only person that knows. I know he still loves me. The way he looks at me sends chills down my spine. My friends are jealous that I have a guy like him who likes me but I just want to scream.

I don’t know why I have this fear. I never had the courage to even attempt a relationship. I cant understand anyone having feelings like his.

One Comment

  1. Rachel Rachel

    I completely understand your feelings. When I was your age, Im nearly 50 now, I could never handle boys chatting me up, it made me want to run. It was always different though if I was doing the chasing. then I felt in control. often I end up dating weirdos or inadequates, I think because I feel more in control, by focusing on trying to help them I could stop feeling so self conscious. to this day I don’t understand why I have never had a satisfying relationship. I have had satisfying sex and I have had lots of good friends but never a partner that I am proud to say is mine. Sometimes I have cheated on men and sometimes they have cheated on me but I never get to the point of commitment. I did get married when i was 24 but only because I was pregnant and under pressure to marry, bribed in fact by my parents. Once married the strain started showing and I wanted to escape in spite of loving my husband, he is a friend to this day. I just cannot seem to trust anyone and that includes myself. I can’t explain it though I wonder if it is because I am so sensitive that I have to protect my personal space to avoid feeling violated. this was certainly the relationship I had with my parents.
    I hope you come to some kind of understanding of your condition, you may have to learn to live with it. Good luck.

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