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Can’t risk loving again

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Really this is a pointless story.. and I hate myself that I can share it with you (the anonymous readers) and not with anyone that I thought I care/d about…

I’m 20, Lastyear I had just finished my first year at University.. then I had a long summer of 4 months… A girl that had been working for my parents since I went became good friends with me… over the months we became best friends, I’d think about her everyday.. my first experience of love and I didn’t even know that I was in love… I knew everything about her.. literally everything, I had even planned places to take her on a date and to show her the time of her life hoping that she would reciprocate the feelings and appreciate that I care about her… we became bestfriends and then she got a boyfriend, a customer at my parents business… he’s 23 and far more than I’ll ever be.. I think the was philophobic aswell to start with… he’s a real nice guy although I’ve heard things from her friends that made me want to kill him..

I fell completely head over heels but I didn’t want to tell her how I felt because I knew that someone as disgusting as me would drive her away and I would lose something that was most important to me.. her friendship. In my mind I was constantly in conflict getting panic attacks every time I saw her, she was everything to me… I couldn’t imagine a day without her…

the conflict that I was going through, loving her but not being able to tell her because I feared losing her drove me insane, literally.. depression took hold of me and everything that I decided to do or say was planned but looking back now everything that I said or did was only pushing her further away…

My mom could see that I loved her and told me that it wouldn’t happen.. “What would she ever see in you?”.. “Why would she ever want you?” those words haunted me everyday and everday I would get up and put a brave face on excited that she was happy with her boyfriend because I knew I’d never be able to make her happy..

One day we went out there was four of us… the girl I loved, her boyfriend, her cousin and me… he drove us to a leisure park about 20 miles from home… we walked around the grounds and then they started kissing… this sent me down.. completely to the bottom of the pile, I felt so insignificant that I just wanted to die there and then… later that night she asked me what was the matter.. I said that everything was fine, then she made guesses and asked questions that progressively cut down my answers to a yes or no.. was I in love with someone? did I like someone that she knew? did they work for my parents???? I finally broke completely, I had been welling these feelings up for a long time… “I LOVE YOU!!” and that was it, the friendship probably ended there.

My mom decided that she was going to get involved after seeing how hurt I was, staying in my room.. only going out to see her and her boyfriend.. I regret ever telling my mom anything about what I was feeling because she made my depression worse… she started punishing her at work, ignoring her, talking down to her to the point where she hated her… I am angry with my mother but mostly with myself…

My best friend and the woman I love hate me… I have nothing and for the past year I have been consoling myself with drink.. I drank a bottle of whisky one night and fell down the stairs after breaking my foot… (pathetic I know)

I decided that I was going to make a come back, I wasn’t going to drink spirits anymore, I wasn’t going to sit in my room hoping that she would realise that she loved me..

I had been going to my friends house for the past 5 years every weekend I would end up there and we’d talk… it would take my mind off things…

I am stressed out at the moment because I think I have developed feelings for his daughter who is the same age, if we are in a room together we just sit glancing at each other, never really making eye contact..

I cannot afford to love anyone again, after what it did to me the last time and what I would do to her or any other woman.. I won’t risk it… I can’t stand the thought of it, I like the idea, it’s all I’ve ever wanted but I can’t risk hurting someone else or opening up my heart and telling someone everything, I just can’t lose that control..

I’m very confused, very lost and intend to get very very drunk tonight..

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