I crave attention and yearn for a special person, but just when I know I have attracted a guy I run. I move from one guy to the next without ever initiating an actual relationship. It feels wrong to just flirt and lead on guys when I know I cannot handle it. It’s really sad sometimes to know that I am alone because I push people away, or more appropriately I walk away.
It’s really an awful feeling, I get excited about the person and I feel normal, I guess, until I suddenly know where it’s heading and I freeze. I feel angry and upset afterwards, but then I do it again.
I feel physically sick at the idea of being in a relationship and that’s what really freaks me out. Every time I realize someone is interested in me I literally feel sick, seclude myself, and probably never speak to that person ever again. I even tend to look down on that person afterwards. I feel like this is too difficult to explain to people without feeling like an idiot. It really hurts to feel this way and the worst part is I am not only hurting myself but also the people around me.