l’m 27 and i live in fear of love.
My fear was created with the help of my father, who liked to dominate and emotionally and physically hurt my mother and i on a regular basis. He got off on turning my mother into a submissive afraid shell of a person, constantly putting her down and treating her like dirt. And he enjoyed dumping all his negative energy out on me, screaming at me, pushing and shoving me, driving my self esteem into the ground. A real piece of work.
but most of all, he always loved saying to me how much i was just like him. It was a blatant lie, but hear it enough times throughout 27 years and soon enough, you start believing you’re an evil person deep inside, waiting to do some serious harm to some innocent young lady.
When i reached the point where i wanted to meet girls and experience love, i couldn’t do it. I suffered panic attacks around women i wanted to get to know intimately, i had nightmares about girls suffering and i couldn’t do anything about it.
Eventually i convinced myself that if i ever loved a woman, l’d be a literal and metaphorical danger to them and so, i exiled myself from ever loving someone or having someone love me back. And l’ve lived that way ever since i was 18.
l’m used to the solitude and loner lifestyle now, however i still have times where i break down into millions of pieces emotionally, wishing i could experience just one fulfilling moment of happiness from love.
But the prison of fear has me down for a triple life sentence and i don’t see life having any plans of giving me an opportunity for parole in this life or the next.