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Emotions over the months and years.

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I never really talk about my feelings or anything like that with anybody so im glad I came across this site where I can just write it all out.

So when i think back about how I was or how I used to be I find it pretty funny because at a young age all girls want a boyfriend and so whenever I had the chance to talk to a guy/boy id try so much to make that person like me. and sometimes id get my hopes up and idk but I think that a bunch of girls get their hopes up and just run thoughts through their minds thinking “omg does this guy like me, omg what if he doesnt” and stuff like that. and sometimes the things I did was just to make a guy like me or impress someone and the whole point to that was to have a boyfriend. But that was then. so while growing up and going to middle school and high school i had a few boyfriends but they all lasted less then a month because i felt weird being in them and I couldnt be myself. i wasnt happy and holding hands was just awkward. i would even have thoughts like “how is a girlfriend suppose to act?” i didnt think i was girlfriend material. so i would break up with them. and i felt nothing, it was so easy for me to just break up with them that i would feel heartless because i never thought about their feelings. until sophmore year in high school when i met and went out with a guy. and soon like turned into love and i was so happy everything was great until 3 months later he cheats on me. and in those moments i thought back to the times when my friends would come to me crying because they got cheated on and i tried to take the same advice that i would give them and so i cried and got mad at myself because i couldnt. i didnt know it would be so hard to make yourself stop crying. i felt so heartbroken and stupid and soon thought that crying was stupid to. i was so emotionally unstable but after months passed i was able to control my emotions and soon became emotionally strong. so later during my senior year i got in touch with an old friend from middle school, after texting eachother a few days later we decided to hang out and he confessed that hes been liking me and asked to be his girlfriend. which then caused me to freak out and have a mini panic attack. it didnt feel normal but i said yes. we had so much in common he was literally the male version of myself. we were born on the exact same day and year. my hopes wernt up but my guard was because i kinda liked him which is why i said yes but during the first month i just thought of him as a friend with the lable “boyfriend” and i started to feel weird again just like before but i didnt want to break up with him because i was always the dumper so i wanted to be the dumpee for a change just to see what it felt like and so by the 2nd month he broke up with me because we hardly saw eachother. i took it kinda hard and soon started thinking about him every so often because i started to have feelings for him. it sucked and i thought about it as karma for all those times that i broke up with guys that actually liked me so i had it coming. till 2 months later i recieve a text from him asking to get back because he misses me. hearing from him was unexpected but i was happy because i missed him so much, so there after everything was going great till the 3rd month came around and i start to get insecure because i thought that he would cheat on me like the guy before. so i decided to tell him about it and how i used to like him just as a friend but that i really do have feelings for him now but i guess he took it the wrong way and so he broke up with me. that night and the next day after was like living in darkness for me because i realized that really liking him was actually love and i messed it all up i soon became emotionally unstable again and just cried till that night, he texted me asking that he wanted to talk and how he was just thinking about what i had said and i told him he took it the wrong way that i actually really do like him alot, i was going to actually tell him all about my feelings. when he decides to call and i hear him crying and he tells me that i really didnt have no idea how much he loves me. when he said that i went on full on panic mode, went speechless and started to cry because he said exactly what ive been trying to tell him all along. after that we were back on till the month after he tells me that hes moving BUT he didnt tell me till the night before because he was waiting to tell me in person but he never did. before he left neither of us broke it off but it was over. we would still text and after a month i find out that he had a girlfriend already. that hurted so bad. i cried my eyes out and just couldnt stop thinking about him, it took me exactly 6 months to get over him. he is now married. and during those months i sorta turned into the person i am now. i used to be emotionally unstable and just cry but soon i got tired of it and taught myself to become emotionally strong. i dont like being in relationships because theyre messy and your feelings could get hurt so i avoid and distance myself from those that like me to avoid being in one. theres times when i become sad over the way i am because i feel so heartless that i dont let anyone like me. i dont even try to impress anyone anymore and my hopes dont get up as much either. my mom once told me that love doesnt exist. i think it was wrong for her to tell me that because im starting to believe it.

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