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Too scared (I need advice)

Please share!

Dear all,

I’m a girl who’s suffering a lot. I think that my now ex-boyfriend might be a philophobic, or at least I know he needs help.

I am from South America, and he is from the US, and we both live in Spain right now. We met last May, and he did everything in order to see me. He sent me lots of messages, let’s do this or that. He wanted to see me all the time, and I have to admit I was really flattered. Ten days later, he kissed me for the first time. I had noticed that he wanted to kiss me before, but he didn’t dare, so in a way I made it evident (though not saying it directly) that I wanted to kiss him, too. A week later we made love, and it was one of the most magical nights of my life. From then on we started dating, though not officially saying so. My mother came to visit me, and he said he wanted to meet her, because he liked me. I have never pressed or said anything for this to happen, because I did not want to speed up things.

He had to spend his summer holidays in the US, he already had the ticket by the time we met. The night before he left, we saw each other, and after making love, in the darkness of his bedroom he told me how he felt, and that he thought that I was worthy it. He was afraid of being away for 2 months and ruining everything. He had had a bad experience with his ex-girlfriend, they kept a relationship in the distance and she had been in a parallel relationship for a year until he got to know it. He blamed himself, he said he ruined everything. He also told me that in 3 years of that relationship, she had never had an orgasm, and that made him feel bad as a man. I tried to comfort him telling him that he was not to blame for that, it was not his fault… And I told him he made me feel very good. In fact, he is the only man who made me feel electricity all over my body.

And so he went back to his homeland, and from there he introduced me to his whole family, with whom I talked through webcam. His friends said that he said so many cool things about me. We were in love, and I wanted to tell him how I felt, so I said it in Spanish, by email. He answered me back the same way, and started me calling the usual words for a couple: honey, darling, baby. That made me extremely happy. He finally changed his plane ticket, and came back a month and a half after, because he wanted to be with me. In person, one night, I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too, but that he had been waiting to say it in person.

However, 10 days after that, everything changed, and all of a sudden he decided to leave me. He said he wasn’t ready, that he would ruin it all, etc, etc. So many incoherent excuses, I couldn’t understand anything. All of a sudden, no more messages, no more emails, no more phone calls, he just vanished. A month later we met by chance and he hugged me and said he had missed me. A month after that I contacted him, and we saw each other three more times in a period of a month. I got to know that he was still in love with me, but frightened. I was right, then. So the last time we met, I couldn’t stand the situation anymore and told him that I loved him with all my heart and soul, and that I was willing to risk everything for him. I told him I knew he was afraid, and told him to face his feelings. With tears in his eyes (though he never cried), he denied everything, and he told me that in fact there was nothing left of what he felt for me. I told him that would be the last time we saw each other then, and he said he didn’t believe in “nevers” and repeated this several times. I told him I would not contact him ever again, but that if he ever wanted to contact me, I would be on the other side. And we parted.

I don’t believe him, and I am not hurt by what he said, but by the fact that he is lying to himself and to me. He doesn’t trust in me, though he trusts in other people almost unknown to him, as if he was asking desperately for help, though nobody is doing anything, nobody listens to him.

I would really like to help him, but he will not allow me to do so. I don’t know what to do, that’s why I’m here, and I need someone to talk to, because nobody seems to care either, and I feel awful.

2 Comments

  1. paulacboldu paulacboldu

    Hi, I’m Paula, from Spain, and I think I’m living a similar situation. Would you like us to chat? My mail is [email protected]

  2. Tiara Tiara

    Hi. I hope by the time you read my comment you already solved your problem (:

    Give him some time and some space. Maybe he’s just freaking out nd with his past haunting him back, its not really a good help doesnt it? You’re a good girlfriend, I can see that nd you really love this guy so just move on with your life. Move on, is the best way to make him see nd puzzled nd questioned himself did I make the right choice did I really want me nd her to be over yeah questions like that. I know it might hurt you more but please, I think thats the only way thats gonna work. Wait for him. Dont ever give him any reason that will make him change his mind about loving you(like I think its best fr you to not date a guy now since your relationship is complicated, yes?).

    Nd one more thing, never stop reminding him that you still love him. Good luck, you need that x

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