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Afraid to love

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I’ve only had 1 serious relationship that being with my high school sweetheart. Relationship which I tried to sabotage every chance I got. I hated everytime we got too close. I always avoided my feelings to grow for him regardless of the fact that I knew he was deeply in love with me. I felt I always needed to have the upper hand not to feel superior than him or to “wear the pants” in the relationship, but because I felt safe that way. I felt if I didn’t care as much then it wouldn’t hurt me as much if he ever left me or cheated on me, Even though I knew he would never do that or he never gave me any suspicion, in my mind I thought it was necessary.

My dad cheated on my mom when I was just 9 yrs old & my world came crushing down. My family fell apart, my parents separated & I lost the most important person in my life (my father) my best fríend, the love of my life. Ever since then ive felt that if he did it anyone can do it. And I also feel careless. I feel if I have survived without the most important man in my life I can do it without anyone else. i believe its that which has made me so cold & unable to have a relationship. Ever since the break up with my ex I have been unable to give love another chance.

I think few guys are cute here and there but I am now even more unable to have a relationship with anyone knowing I sabotaged my last. I feel scared to love I feel if I ever really give it my all then I will become vunerable once again. Throughout the years I’ve had to be so strong that now I’m afraid to become weak. So I refuse to put all my love & hopes into someone else’s hands even though that means missing out in real love.

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