I’m absolutely terrified of getting close to anyone, emotionally or physically. Even friends and family. When someone gives me a hug I just stand there coldly. I’ve been alone for nearly 7 years, all of my 20s.
Around other people I joke around about relationships, or even encourage others. I usually dismiss my solitude as being unattractive, but that really isn’t the case. I get plenty of attention, but I never follow up or try to build new connections.
Truthfully, I don’t try because I don’t want or believe in anyone. I remember very little that was positive about the times I’ve loved in the past. Mostly just painful or awkward experience.
I’m lonely sometimes, but I just don’t think there’s a woman on this planet that I will love and who will love me in return for all that I am. Not in 7 billion. I know objectively that’s ridiculous, but I just feel so different from everyone around me who seems to have it all figured out.