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Scared of dating again

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I really, really like this guy, Matt and from this day I still do. I met him at a party on Halloween in 2009 and I didn’t like him at first, but then suddenly I felt this instant connection after after I hugged him goodbye I fell for him since. I thought Matt was cute my Sophmore year but I fell hard for him Junior year of high school. I began falling for Matt and I didn’t really have a connection with my ex boyfriend and we never did since we began dating, but with Matt I did. My ex and I broke up, Matt & I would stare at each other but since the Halloween party we didn’t talk as much. But we would stare and smile at each other instead.

I was nervous around him and I was scared of rejection. Matt would be nice to me then be a jerk the next day & it pissed me off. Every time I try to get over him, something draws me back to him. Like I asked him to prom & he said yes, then the next day he said he’s taking this girl but he’d take be if she wasn’t going. So my friend’s got pissed off when they heard about it and I had another date for prom, he really liked me but I didn’t feel the same way & I still had feelings for Matt.

At prom, I danced with my date Matt got jealous and 30 min later I talked to him and hugged him again and then he would stare at me the whole time and while I was with my friends he looked at me and almost went over to ask me to dance. But we stared the whole time at prom. Then later one they day before he graduated, we stared at each other but it was sad, and I wish I told him how I felt but I was scared & I should’ve gone out with him. I felt guilty.

After school ended, Matt commented this girl’s page and I got SUPER jealous I deleted him on facebook. Then I tried getting over him but it got worse, I added him but he denied me instead. Ever since Matt, I get scared to get close to a guy, and thinking of dating someone else makes me cry. I’ve been single for 7 months and I don’t want any guy near me. If a guy wants to have his way with me, I’d want to kill him in a heartbeat. I never felt this way about any guy with Matt. And I still am in love with him, if only he knew.

I want to move on from Matt & I want someone new but I’m scared of dating someone new or even dating again. I’ve never dated Matt but still. Now I’m cold and bitter, I don’t even want to think about being involved with someone else because I’m scared of getting emotionally hurt, rejected, and they guy turns out to be the rest of the dicks out there. I start shaking, crying, and freak out when I think of dating again and being involved in a relationship. Because guys these days are shallow also, I just suck at love, I really do. When I think of the word love it scares me and makes me sick!

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