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I Even Married Someone That I Didn’t Love

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I don’t really know where to start but I’m glad that I found this website it has helped me understand what I’ve been struggling with for decades.

I had a very violent family upbringing my mother being my father’s punching bag for his physical, mental and emotional gratification. My mother was extremely distant emotionally ~ I actually can’t remember her ever giving me a hug and a kiss.

I was sexually assaulted, for the first time, at a very young age by an adult male. A year or so later I engaged in intimate sex play with one of the neighbourhood children. A few years later I was encouraged into intimate sex play with my brother. My father used to feel my breasts and used to call me a prostitute, he was also incredibly controlling to the point that I felt forced to “run away from home” when I was in my early twenties. I was assaulted by some boys in a classroom in highschool.

As a teen I had trouble staying in a relationship with boys, lots of interest both ways but I just couldn’t stay with the ones that I really liked and usually ended up deliberately insulting them to drive them away from me.

Fast forward: After leaving home I lived with a guy for a while and it was sex, sex, sex but no real attachment for me. Then I got to exploring other guys and eventually I ended up as a sex worker for the sex (yes a sex addicted philophobe… ha!).

I went through hell as a result (including being sexually assaulted 3 times and attempted suicide twice) and ended up back with the guy that I was with before all that and even married him.

20+ years later: marriage was hell and is finally over and now I am so afraid of allowing myself to be in a relationship that it’s crazy!

I don’t want to go out and socialise ~ I practically freeze if there are any males around in a social setting. I’m at the point where I don’t want to leave the house anymore, I’m afraid of people generally. Yet I need to get work and make a living!

I’ve had counseling on and off for years and nothing has ever helped but then none of the counselors ever even mentioned that maybe there is philophobia causing problems as well as all the other crap.

Thank you for this website, it’s opened my eyes to a possible way through the emotional mess that I am.

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