I’ve always traveled, ever since I was a little kid. eventually I guess I just learned to keep my cards close to my chest, and to never let anyone close lest they hurt me. I’ve always thought of it as a fear of abandonment, and a fear of intimacy at the same time. Whenever someone gets closer, I get scared, and I tell myself things along the lines of that they don’t care, or I’m being used etc, sometimes I just avoid them till I feel comfortable again. I can’t help it, I’ll be distant, I’ll avoid till I’m back at a level I feel is safe. They could leave at any time after all right? why bother when they will leave, forget you, or never will have cared at all?
I say things to push them away, I can’t tell if I am keeping a grudge because I’m mad, or because I want to hold someone off for a bit. Sharing is scary, It feels so uncomfortable, even if it’s just explaining. It makes me feel wrong and I worry myself sick with fake scenarios in order to justify pushing people away. But I want to keep them as friends, and so it’s a tug of war of how much I can stand, and What I tell myself means nothing. Whenever I feel like sharing or getting help I make excuses and delay doing anything, telling myself I don’t want to be a bother or that it’s not a good time etc.
But I’m working hard because I want to be happy, eventually I might be able to make it to having a romantic relationship, but right now I want to be able to trust my friends and not push them away. I’m working slowly, explaining my fears to my friends and opening up slowly, I’ve tried to push them away so much and yet they stay by my side ready when I am. Maybe eventually I’ll be ready to go get help from a professional and deal with this fully, but right now I feel that taking these few steps is enough. This ocean is so far I can’t see the end of it, and while I know making it across will be painful, not knowing what could be waiting on the other side might be even more so.