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The word ‘LOVE’ makes me wanna puke

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I was nineteen last year when it occured to me that i have a fear of love. I thought that maybe i was the only one going through it. at 16 i had my first non-serious boyfriend, the relationship felt very stupid as there were so many idle moments between us because i was so nervous around him i wouldn’t say a word but only replied to his questions. He didn’t mind i guess, and just enjoyed kissing me as much as i enjoyed kissing him, which is was we did alot of. He stayed far from where i live so we only saw each other once a year during December holidays. Two years later he invited me to his house where we made out and it led to us taking off each others clothes, then all of a sudden i had these million thoughts in my had about teenage pregnancy and Hiv and my education and disappointing my family, i started having philophobic symptoms like trembling, loss of breath, i then told him to stop and he did.
The next day i started avoiding him, and started feeling hatred towards him. Eventually he stopped trying to contact me.

As another year went by i thought of dating but the thought would terrify me so much that i would get chest pains and a near anxiety attack. I later decided to try online dating, the relationship was great and the guy was the sweetest thing ever,but as months went by the guy wanted to meet me, but the idea of it scared me, i would think what if i meet him and we kiss and there is a spark and i fall inlove with him, even thinking of the word ‘love’ made knots in my stomach and made me want to puke. But i went ahead and met him, withing a week after that he dropped the big ‘L’ bomb, i had an anxiety attack. Then i started being distant, avoiding his texts and phone calls, made excuses not to meet up and hang out, until i found the courage to dump him.

Just last year i started dating another guy, another long distance relationship, everything was great and he would come visit me every month travelling over 500km, he had dropped the L word many times but at first i wouldn’t respond, soon i just started feeling an obligation to say it back, still with a sick feeling oin my stomach. In November it was ageed that i was the one to travel and visit him, and i courageosly did, we had so much fun together, but as soon as i came back home it hit me hard that i perheps i realy did LOVE him, and panic kicked in, i had another anxiety attack, became distant avoided his calls and eventually we broke up. But early December he managed to persuade me to get back with him and i did, first few days things seemed okay but a week later the thoughts were back and the need to flee the relationship was back, i didn’t have the courage to break up with him this time so i started being mean to him, being difficult and doing anything to male him feel the need to break up with me, which he later did, but he regreted it the moment he did it because he would text me that he made a mistake but i just couldn’t do it. Deep inside as much as i wanted him to break up with me, i felt devasted that he did. I want a relationship but i keep freaking out when i have it, i think my philophobia is caused by the many unmarried women in my family and some friend who have stories of heartbreak and men letting them down that maybe i have become afraid of the samething happening to me.

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