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am i philophobic?

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Till my 34th year I didn’t fear love. In fact, I wanted it. I was marrie, I have this need for a (humanly close) relationship. However, after a divorce that was really nothing special neither hard in the terms of money, children (I didn’thave) – I needed 3 years to get to normal. What, I think, was very much affected, was my womanhood, me as a woman. Then I started to see a nice guy, but before something more could have happened, I lost job and had to move off to another place (200 km away).

In the time when I was alone, I started practicing meditation very seriousely and changed a couple of values. So, there is also fear that in no way can I find a guy that I would like (and would have appeal for), but also share values with. When I was with this guy, I could be very easily with him over internet, but whenever together – there would come, at some time, a crisis:

1. the feeling of unease because of all this emotional turmoil (in the positive and in the negative sense) that I experienced really as suffering and tiring.
2. having the impression that I would lose myself and the sense of awareness I worked so hard to gain,
3. with the experience of pain after divorce I had constantly this thought: why on earth should I run after a guy, give all of myself to him – and for what? for the possibility that all is ruined once again? only that this time I would give my entire self to this? should I spend my entire life in such problems and turmoils?

4. being with this new guy was in some way strange: i perceived myself as a person with bipolar troubles, now “high” and then “down”. To the top of that, I had a strong sense that this whole thing was completely “unreal”, “unrealistic”. Plus: that if I stayed with the guy, I would have to renounce the activities that I like, that help me to be (meditation, writing literature, researching, my own circle of friends and people with whom I talk to and grow) – just in order to make money to run a family (a guy and the two nice kids from his previous marriage). The feeling with this picture in mind was that I would run out of breath, “fish out of water”.

But still, there is in me something that would like to be loved. And to give love. This “something” is a little sad. It comes now and then, very light, usually as a part of my PMS.

Now I’m 39, I don’t intend to chase guys via internet. I have friends, even intimate ones (female friends, but I am not lesbian), I can give love to my parents. I feel loved and I love and care back.

It is only the question: am I fooling myself? But, on the other hand, I somehow don’t have the wish to start searching for a guy.

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