In grade 10, I went through a tough break up with a guy who was 9 years older to me and was a teacher of mine for 2 months during the summer; in arts. I was in a relationship with him for 2 years in secret with only a few people knowing. We’ve been through quite a deal of events together and it surprised me that we actually lasted for those 2 years. There’s nothing we really haven’t done together apart from soaking ourselves together in the bath tub.
We had a pretty strong bond, though sometimes he would reminisce about his ex-girlfriend the entire relationship, who I stole him from. In fact, she had no idea who I was. But I had my flaws too when I cheated on him with his relative one evening, just so I had a strong reason to dump him and don’t come running back into his arms like a little puppy dog because I was so pressured about him and his feelings for his ex. But I still couldn’t it and this was during the first two months of our relationship.
I know! You must be thinking “what a screw up” and I honestly feel so horrible about it and can’t forgive myself for it either. The last two months were really hard for us and we would fight a lot and switch off our phones and the only other thing we did apart from that was sleep together. I lost almost everything because of this first love. I barely have any friends left too! In fact, he was a freak. He admitted it himself!
We broke up right before summer break and my best friend helped me out a lot during the break up that entire summer. He always kept me occupied and I was drunk most of the summer. In fact, I got into the same school as my best friend after that. I kept telling myself everything was okay. Then, I found out that my best friend was in love with me himself and things got really complicated when he kissed me but we still stayed friends. I started to realize that I had philophobia.
Now there’s a guy from my class; he’s in love with me and we’re in a relationship (6 months up until now). I was told the only way to overcome my fear is to confront it by my best friend. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone I didn’t have feelings for so I didn’t take his advice. But the guy from my class always made me feel at ease and we really got along well. But things got complicated in school and teachers as well as the parents were against our friendship. Then, I was asked out and I rejected him. But I didn’t want to lose him and he was someone I really connected with after my ex. So I finally said yes.
Now all I’ve been noticing is that the phobia is getting worse and affects other aspects of my life too. My boyfriend has issues too! And I’ve given him as much as I could despite my conditions. He does make me laugh a lot but even so… I can’t take so much pressure. It seems like I’m the only one making the connections and he isn’t really doing anything but making me laugh. I’m told I have symptoms of hyperventilation too. I know if I tell him I can’t do this anymore he’d probably throw himself off a building. Believe me! He might.
I know I’m not in love with my ex either. In fact, I don’t ever say him name unless I have to. And the fact that the doesn’t have a common name really helps too. But I keep thinking I shouldn’t have taken this risk and these sparks I had for my current boyfriend would eventually calm down and I could go back to being the solo girl I wanted to be because philophobia was clearly taking over my life. But those sparks have grown into a fire and I really have no idea what to do! I feel like nothing I do now will make anything better now! I know nothing will! I’ve made a complete mistake! Especially by saying “yes” to my present boyfriend. I just want it to stop!