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Love? No thanks – I’ll pass

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I felt so wierd before I found this website. I didn’t know there was a name for what I don’t feel. It seems as if the rest of the world is totally oblivious to the fact that love does not exist. Every person who has ever said I love you” to me spent a significant amount of time harming me. I am not young like most on this site- I have lived. I’ve been married, and divorced- I have children..I go on dates. Everything is fine until the subject of a relationship comes up. I break out into a cold sweat, my hands get clammy, i have heart palpatations, I can’t breathe, my mouth gets dry. The only reply I can come up with is “I’m broken”.

Once I went further and explained to a guy that “love” is merely an extension of lust that ensures the continuation of our species rather than a true emotion. I’m not like some other philophobes- I like sex, I have no fear of that- but it is an emotionless act meant only to satisfy a physical need. People have asked me how I could share my body with someone I don’t have feelings reply to them is “how can you have feelings for someone you share your body with?”

Just sitting here writing about this is making my heart race, and I feel nauseated. i have a hard time understanding why men won’t just stay away from me. I tell them when I meet them that I’m a “Man- hater” friends often make jokes and say that I myself act like a man because I’m the one that has to listen to complaints that I don’t call, and I don’t care, and i just use them for sex….I am a masster at turning the tables. If I had to use one word to describe my entire emotional capacity it would be “numb”. The worst of it is that I know what made me this way. I was sexually abused as a child, then cheated on repeatedly by the guy I was with for 4 years, then beat half to death and cheated on repeatedly again by the next guy, who I was with for 2 years, then I dated a guy for 3 years who did the same and abandoned me with a child, all of this was followed by a horrible 10 year loveless marraige to a worthless and lazy, verbally and mentally abusive leach who vowed to me that I would never get a divorce granted to me.

Love? no thanks- I’ll pass.

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