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Love? No thanks – I’ll pass

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I felt so wierd before I found this website. I didn’t know there was a name for what I don’t feel. It seems as if the rest of the world is totally oblivious to the fact that love does not exist. Every person who has ever said I love you” to me spent a significant amount of time harming me. I am not young like most on this site- I have lived. I’ve been married, and divorced- I have children..I go on dates. Everything is fine until the subject of a relationship comes up. I break out into a cold sweat, my hands get clammy, i have heart palpatations, I can’t breathe, my mouth gets dry. The only reply I can come up with is “I’m broken”.

Once I went further and explained to a guy that “love” is merely an extension of lust that ensures the continuation of our species rather than a true emotion. I’m not like some other philophobes- I like sex, I have no fear of that- but it is an emotionless act meant only to satisfy a physical need. People have asked me how I could share my body with someone I don’t have feelings for..my reply to them is “how can you have feelings for someone you share your body with?”

Just sitting here writing about this is making my heart race, and I feel nauseated. i have a hard time understanding why men won’t just stay away from me. I tell them when I meet them that I’m a “Man- hater”..my friends often make jokes and say that I myself act like a man because I’m the one that has to listen to complaints that I don’t call, and I don’t care, and i just use them for sex….I am a masster at turning the tables. If I had to use one word to describe my entire emotional capacity it would be “numb”. The worst of it is that I know what made me this way. I was sexually abused as a child, then cheated on repeatedly by the guy I was with for 4 years, then beat half to death and cheated on repeatedly again by the next guy, who I was with for 2 years, then I dated a guy for 3 years who did the same and abandoned me with a child, all of this was followed by a horrible 10 year loveless marraige to a worthless and lazy, verbally and mentally abusive leach who vowed to me that I would never get a divorce granted to me.

Love? no thanks- I’ll pass.

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