I think I know where it started. My first girlfriend was when I was 15. She was the kindest and most beautiful girl I have ever know and I loved her for it. After a year of being together we went to the cinema. After the film we were walking back to the bus stop and had to cross the street. I didn’t see any cars and started to cross the road and she followed just behind me. After getting a quarter of the way across the road a car came round the blind corner traveling at least 50mph. It didn’t see us and caught the back of my arm and back. I got knocked over and fell on the other side of the road. I had a deep cut across my forehead and had broken my nose. I then thought of Laura, I turned to see her laying half on the pavement and half in the road. It was dark but I could see she was in a pool of blood so I climbed up and realised I had a very deep cut on my leg which made it excrutiating to walk. When I got to her she had the most twisted look of pain and anguish on her face and I could feel that several of her ribs were broken as well as atleast 10 other bones. I called an ambulance and although it got there in 2 minuites she died before it found us.
That was the start. After her it took me a long time to move on but I eventually did. I was seeing Rebecca for a few months but I found I could not let myself connect with her emotionally. This upset her and we continued to break up and make up over and over again until it eventually ended. I then met anoter girl. Emma was a very sweet girl and we dated for 3 years. However over that time I could not tell her the words “I love you”, it made me scared to even think them. I knew that this upset her but she knew I had trouble opening up. I hated it because I wanted to say it but every time I tried and couldn’t I got so frustrated because I knew how much it would mean to her. After 3 years of not being told she was loved she left me. That was a year and a half ago.
I know that it all started with Laura’s death but I have been working hard to fix myself. Last week Rebecca died of a stroke. Thats 2 out of 3 dead. I am starting to think Im going to be like this for more than a little while, and that scares me more than anything else I have experianced.