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Perhaps I have Philophobia

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I don’t know what has caused me to feel such fear at the concept of falling in love. I’ve always read books and watched movies where the characters fall so content, happy endings and all that, but I myself have never felt like that would be a possibility for me.Even the concept of a date makes me want to be sick. The first time a boy asked me out, I practically had a panic attack in my room. I felt sick to my stomach, a deep ache in my gut, my heart beat too fast and my head spun. Fear. It burned through me like wild fire and I was left shocked by how deeply it had affected me. I said no, and curled up in a ball.

Now I’ve avoided at least two potential relationships with really great guys, all because of this deep misgiving I have towards that kind of a commitment. That feeling that drives me away.

I can’t say it was abuse, or my parents’ divorce, or my mothers bad choices, or a past relationship that caused it. I don’t know what did. All I know is that any time a boy shows even the slightest interest, I get a flicker in my stomach, a flash of panic up my spine.

I hate feeling this way.

But it’s kind of amazing to see I’m not the only one to feel like this.

Maybe I’m not so crazy after all.

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