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Awkward feeling

Please share!

I am already 27 years old and I have already liked or loved a guy (secretly and in absolute silence) but I am uncapable of showing or telling these feelings. The truth is I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle myself infront of men when it comes to “love thing”. I can only have platonic relations with the opposite sex for it is the only type I am comfortable with. I fear attachment, intimacy with a man and yet I dream about falling in love as well. It pretty seems contradictory but that’s how I feel.

The guys I liked showed some interest in me as well but it never went far because they all gave up on me for I never flirted back or they probably noticed there was something wrong with me. Once they get interested in me, I panic a lot. Suddenly, I feel bizarre and find their actions as well as the feelings that we probably have for each other, awkward and hideous.

Then, the next thing I do is ignore them or act as if nothing ever occurred. It’s like craving for a chocolate cake that I find so good and when I’m about to put it in my mouth, I surprisingly feel like throwing up and find the supposedly delicious cake disgusting at the end. I don’t know what is wrong with me but the same scenario happens over and over again. This is the reason why I am alone. I kept on complaining that I have no boyfriend etc. but I am actually the cause of my solitude. I desperately want to have a genuine love relationship with a man and I believe I am somehow making some efforts but I always fail at the end.

I suffer a lot because I am yearning for true love but I’m forbidding myself from obtaining it at the same time.

I am completely aware that fairytales don’t exist but I can only sincerely hope for the right man to come along and be truly understanding, supportive and patient with me because I am weird, twisted and hard to deal with. I really hope such man exists and that he would definitely stay by my side and would never give up on me no matter what.

One Comment

  1. Anne Anne

    Has anyone ever said anything to you that, perhaps, has gotten you to think or feel this way, can you recall?

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