I am already 27 years old and I have already liked or loved a guy (secretly and in absolute silence) but I am uncapable of showing or telling these feelings. The truth is I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle myself infront of men when it comes to “love thing”. I can only have platonic relations with the opposite sex for it is the only type I am comfortable with. I fear attachment, intimacy with a man and yet I dream about falling in love as well. It pretty seems contradictory but that’s how I feel.
The guys I liked showed some interest in me as well but it never went far because they all gave up on me for I never flirted back or they probably noticed there was something wrong with me. Once they get interested in me, I panic a lot. Suddenly, I feel bizarre and find their actions as well as the feelings that we probably have for each other, awkward and hideous.
Then, the next thing I do is ignore them or act as if nothing ever occurred. It’s like craving for a chocolate cake that I find so good and when I’m about to put it in my mouth, I surprisingly feel like throwing up and find the supposedly delicious cake disgusting at the end. I don’t know what is wrong with me but the same scenario happens over and over again. This is the reason why I am alone. I kept on complaining that I have no boyfriend etc. but I am actually the cause of my solitude. I desperately want to have a genuine love relationship with a man and I believe I am somehow making some efforts but I always fail at the end.
I suffer a lot because I am yearning for true love but I’m forbidding myself from obtaining it at the same time.
I am completely aware that fairytales don’t exist but I can only sincerely hope for the right man to come along and be truly understanding, supportive and patient with me because I am weird, twisted and hard to deal with. I really hope such man exists and that he would definitely stay by my side and would never give up on me no matter what.