I’m pretty sure philophobia describes me to a T. I’m 20 and I’ve never been in a relationship of any kind and I don’t really intend to. The thought of it freaks me out to the core. The earliest memories I have of this fear of love is in the second grade. A boy who sat across from me told me he liked me and I completely lost it. I ran away from him feeling horrified and at the end of the day, I told him that if he continued to like me I would kill him. I don’t know why I did that but it only got worse with age. In middle school when everyone was going through puberty and trying to hook up with each other, I remained isolated. One of my friends told me that a guy that most girls thought was cute liked me and I flipped out again. I ran to the bathroom and cried for an hour while cursing him for liking me.
In high school, people were starting to wonder about me and why I never had a boyfriend. I was completely fine with friendship but the second I sensed flirting or attraction towards me of any kind, I avoided said person like the plauge. It didn’t matter if it was male or female. I didn’t understand why I was like this. To this day I still wonder. At times, I do want to be with someone on a romantic level but I’m content with leaving them as fantasies in my head. The reality is that if someone attempted to woo me (even if it was similar to one of my daydreams) the reaction would be negative. I get severe anxiety when someone hits on me. I had a job for a week but when I noticed my male coworkers taking an interest in me I had a panic attack. One of them asked me to dinner and when I hung up, I started crying. The next day I quit that job because I couldn’t stand being in close proximity with them.
It’s irrational to other people when I try to explain that I don’t want to be with someone and even more far out when I tell them I don’t want to have sex with anyone. I’m pretty attractive and that’s what confuses people. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex exactly, it’s just that I fear being intimate with another human being. I can be with someone if I want, I just dont want to. I know I have a problem here but I can’t bring myself to try and fix it. It feels like I never left the “cooties” stage of my development. I just with I knew why I’m like this and what caused it. I have significant stress and anxiey because of it.