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Category: Female philophobia stories

Broken in love…?

I really love reading books and watching shows about sweet and sappy love lives. But along the way when something heartbreaking happens, I feel it affect me in a way that tugs at my heart.

And a while back, there was this one guy I liked in a class we had together. He was super cool and when my feelings were just blooming for him, I heard he had hooked up with another girl in our class, and that girl was DATING a guy I grew up with.

I felt so bad for her boyfriend, who was probably unaware of it at the time. I guess it hurt me too. I began to hesitate at relationship opportunities in front of me because I knew I’d be cheated on, dumped, abandoned- I’d get scared my s/o would stop loving me and break what’s already pretty fragile.

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I’m not entirely sure

I think I may be philophobic. I really like the idea of a relationship and I’ve had my fair share of crushes and whatnot, but one time I was confronted by a guy I liked at the time (he kind of but not really liked me too) and he asked “So is something going to happen out of this?” And I immediately got scared and refused to talk to him for weeks.

I yearn for a relationship, yet when given the opportunity I run for the hills. Even now I’m avoiding getting feelings for anyone now because I really don’t want to repeat this

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How i do overcome my worst fear?

I’m 18 this year, and all i wanted on my life is to be loved… i finally got it, 4-5 months ago in the internet…. And everything fell down 2-3 weeks ago, after knowing that my internet bf cheated on me with someone who was my friend…

I can’t feel love again, or when someone tells that i should wait longer so i can feel love again, but i cant… i feel that its gonna be the same again…

I feel like shit and i don’t want to be lonely, but at the same time i’m scared of loving someone if its gonna end like this,

How i can overcome this pain and fear?

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I may be crazy but it hurts!

I am thirteen years old and I have liked a guy for almost nine years. I met him in kindergarten and haven’t been able to let go since. We weren’t friends or anything and we didn’t talk so I don’t know why I still liked him. He didn’t even know I existed!

I’m in my first year of high school this year and we go to different schools but I still live in fear as if he’s still standing a few metres away. I occasionally see him and I almost have heart attacks. I haven’t told my parents because I’m scared of what they’ll think of me and what they’ll do about it.

They contributed to my philophobia a lot too because of there lack of compassion and the amount of fighting. One friend did know and he didn’t understand, that was the last time I told anyone. This fear has Made me completely shut down and distance myself from everything and everyone. I do not trust anyone and recently I’m finding it really difficult to be with my close friends.

I don’t know what made me want this guy so much, he was really no good at all. We never dated or said goodbye and he more than likely doesn’t give me a single thought but it’s not so easy for me. I walk around terrified of seeing him. I’m scared of being hurt and I’m scared of hurting someone the way he hurt me. He put me through so much pain I almost took my life probably about ten times between the ages of 11 and 13.

I would get heartaches every night so bad it felt like a knife piercing my chest. I would know too because I did go through cutting and other extremes. I hardly like to call it his fault that I experienced this much pain but it was due to his lack of care or consideration. I was overly teased for holding onto my affection. Some people knew more about that of me than my name. It was how I was recognised as a person; “that’s the stupid obsessed cry baby who likes ****”.

A girl moved to my school in sixth grade and we became best friends but through the year she and that guy started dating. She smashed my heart into a million pieces and I cared about to a degree all I could say was congratulations and that I didn’t care. But I really really did. I had never cried so much in my entire life. He also used my affection to his own benefit, almost acting as if I were a slave to him. I gave up time, money and even loyalties for him. I did whatever I could do.

I cannot possibly stress enough how hurt I am and he doesn’t even know what he’s done to me. I find myself grasping onto the tiniest of twigs to stop myself falling off the cliff. I find myself lost of hope, trust, sleep and love and all I can do is cry about it. I have no motive for life because of what a boy has done to me. I am doing whatever I can to stop myself wishing to end my pain in the only way I can; by dying. The pain hasn’t ended and it never will. It is my nightmares, it haunts me!

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What can I do to get better?

I’ve only learned about the word “philophobia” a few hours ago and I can’t believe I finally have a precise term to describe how I feel.

The thing is, I grew up in a loving family. My parents are still together, there hasn’t been any divorce in our family as far as I know. I’m 21, I’ve only ever been with one guy and I’m the one who broke up with him. I don’t remember having my heart broken by anyone, or just my elementary school “boyfriend” who transfered school, came back years later, walked past 8 year-old-me and totally ignored me (yup, that was quite the first heartbreak, moving on).

My family is deeply kind, but they have a way of nicely making fun of you / teasing you that I’ve never liked. That one time I crushed on my bestfriend? Yup, my sisters thought it was hilarious that were videochatting on MSN. This one time during summer break that I crushed on a boy? Yup, my mom would try to know more and smile like what I feel is “cute” and it made me feel angry and so uncomfortable.

I’m very good at falling in love from afar. I do it everytime, but there’s a pattern. Either I barely know the guy, so the relationship won’t ever happen. Either I know he’s out of reach. Either he’s moving to another city / country. Either he’s from the internet and we never meet up. Either I do actually know him and love him but the second he reciprocates those feelings I run the hell away. As for today, I find myself crushing hard on one of my friends and it’s making me so sad.

I know the second someone loves me back, I run in the other direction. It just happens. On the one hand, I feel like I want them to love me back so badly. On the other hand, I desperately hope they don’t, because I will mess it up and stop feeling anything for them and I don’t want to hurt them.

I’d rather suck it up and handle my own grief than see them hurting and know it’s because of me. If I imagine myself in a relationship, honestly and truly, I feel like I’m going to have to take care of them. What if I don’t want to see them for a day? What if I can’t handle my feelings plus their feelings? What if suddenly I’m scared and I let them down? I know they deserve better.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m longing for more and I want to be able to flirt and talk and meet up like everyone else. It’s making me profoundly sad. I’m scared I won’t ever let anyone in and I can’t bear the thought of that.

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Heartless

I thought I was just an heartless person. When my ex left and I can’t see anyone but him in my life… I got real mad. Ever since then I’ve never let anyone in… I’m so cold and I wish wherever my heart is…I want it back

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