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Category: Female philophobia stories

What can I do to get better?

I’ve only learned about the word “philophobia” a few hours ago and I can’t believe I finally have a precise term to describe how I feel.

The thing is, I grew up in a loving family. My parents are still together, there hasn’t been any divorce in our family as far as I know. I’m 21, I’ve only ever been with one guy and I’m the one who broke up with him. I don’t remember having my heart broken by anyone, or just my elementary school “boyfriend” who transfered school, came back years later, walked past 8 year-old-me and totally ignored me (yup, that was quite the first heartbreak, moving on).

My family is deeply kind, but they have a way of nicely making fun of you / teasing you that I’ve never liked. That one time I crushed on my bestfriend? Yup, my sisters thought it was hilarious that were videochatting on MSN. This one time during summer break that I crushed on a boy? Yup, my mom would try to know more and smile like what I feel is “cute” and it made me feel angry and so uncomfortable.

I’m very good at falling in love from afar. I do it everytime, but there’s a pattern. Either I barely know the guy, so the relationship won’t ever happen. Either I know he’s out of reach. Either he’s moving to another city / country. Either he’s from the internet and we never meet up. Either I do actually know him and love him but the second he reciprocates those feelings I run the hell away. As for today, I find myself crushing hard on one of my friends and it’s making me so sad.

I know the second someone loves me back, I run in the other direction. It just happens. On the one hand, I feel like I want them to love me back so badly. On the other hand, I desperately hope they don’t, because I will mess it up and stop feeling anything for them and I don’t want to hurt them.

I’d rather suck it up and handle my own grief than see them hurting and know it’s because of me. If I imagine myself in a relationship, honestly and truly, I feel like I’m going to have to take care of them. What if I don’t want to see them for a day? What if I can’t handle my feelings plus their feelings? What if suddenly I’m scared and I let them down? I know they deserve better.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m longing for more and I want to be able to flirt and talk and meet up like everyone else. It’s making me profoundly sad. I’m scared I won’t ever let anyone in and I can’t bear the thought of that.

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I thought I was just an heartless person. When my ex left and I can’t see anyone but him in my life… I got real mad. Ever since then I’ve never let anyone in… I’m so cold and I wish wherever my heart is…I want it back

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I believe in true love, but i don’t think i’m capable of being in one

I’m 20 and I’ve never been in a relationship. I want to and like to imagine myself being in a loving relationship and all the warm feelings that come with it. But when I get close to someone I feel kinda disgusted.. like “I dont like this” “I wanna end this”. I already tried..

I feel like love will makes me weaker in front of other people. I believe in true love, however, I’m afraid that I’m not capable to find one. I feel like my partner will never loves me like I love him or my love for him will be gone in a few months. And also it’s so hard to believe in other people relationships like when people announce their love to the world, I often think “it’s just a phase.. they’re gonna be broke up later” or “I dont think they really love each other that much”. Also I never made first move.

I do have several trust issues like never put my expectation high on people or most people never show their true color to the world.

I dont know why I become skeptical about love.. My problem is actually kinda similar to most people here, but the difference is that I don’t really know the reason why I became like this. I don’t have problem with my confidence, I’m not afraid of guys in fact I talk to them easily. My friend said that I have cheerful personality, but maybe that bcs I never told them things like this bcs I’m afraid that I’m actually overreact or they will think that I’m being dramatic.

i don’t have any problem within my family or my non-existent love experience.. my parents were in a loving relationship till my father’s death 4 years ago and my mother still loves him no matter what and refuse to get remarried although she already have many suitors.. am I philophobic? I want to have a loving relationship..


Is it possible for Philophobia to be deeper than romance?

I experience an extreme disconnect mostly with my family and to a lesser extent my friends. I like to think I’ve hidden it well over the years but I’m beggining to think not.

As a young girl my household was mostly half siblings and foster children, I had one full blooded sister just a year or so younger so obviously we were always stuck together. We were always simply “the girls” and I hated every minute of it. I nearly had a permanent scowl whenever we were out as a family, at home I was able to retreat into my own world but in public I was expected to engage and converse. She would ask me to play, I’d refuse, she’d tell my mother, my mother would get upset that I was being moody, then give me exactly what I wanted the solace of a time out.

As I grew older the same disconnected bhavior followed me to school and greatly impacted interactions with my peers. I never had friends for long, I would become attached to a person or sometimes two. We would play and hang out and do sleepovers, that usually lasted a few weeks months at the most then a vacation would come along and I’d forget all about whomever was my friend. There was never any playground drama involved, not that I was aware of. I simply stopped putting any effort into maintaining a relationship with whatever peer I was dealing with at the time.

When leaving the fifth grade there was a moving up ceremony, a mock graduation. I had absolutely no desire to go and could see no point in any of it, so when they called my name to come and get my “diploma” I refused to walk up. When they kept calling my name, I pretended to be asleep. The principle refused to give up and so eventually with a scowl on my face I stomped as angrily as I could to the podium, grabbed the “diploma” with as much force as I could muster, turned my back and without saying a word or giving a handshake ran off the stage. My mother wasn’t very happy, she thought once I got there among my “friends” I would feel better about it. I believe she would have been right if I was any normal kid, I don’t think until then anyone really grasped the full extent of my self alienation.

Things got worse in middle school, I was wildly oblivious to my social shortcomings in the first year and part of the second. Until the administration got involved. I was a quiet student and kept mostly to myself trying not to get too involved with anyone unless group work was required. Even then I simply chose a task, completed it, then wiped my hands of the project. None of this was intentional, just part of who I am. My teachers started hearing rumors from other students, and would catch kids making fun of me behind my back. Obviously I had no idea what was going on and so it couldn’t bother me. Unfortunately, it bothered the adults on my behalf and that’s when my mother was called and the therapists started and the social groups and mentors. That’s about the time I started to get really angry, I didn’t want to fit in, I didn’t want to have friends, and I certainly didn’t want people to care.

Finishing middle school I was so angry and so resentful of everyone around me I attempted suicide, all I wanted was to be left alone. I never wanted to know I was wierd, or that something was wrong with me. I didn’t fit in and I was perfectly fine with that, until the bubble was burst and I couldn’t handle it. While in the hospital I had my first boyfriend, obviously sex wasn’t on the table but it was still fun. It’s always been easy having a relationship that is doomed to fail. From that experience I found a new way to keep my alienation and pacify the adults in charge of my “emotional wellbeing”.

So begins my personal sexual revolution, the adults saw I was going out and being involved while I was able to “fit in” without any emotional connection. I made it a personal mission to sleep with as many people as I could sometimes more than one person in a day, and gender wasn’t a bias. That went very well for a few years, until the video. I was convinced by an older gentleman to create a video of me playing with myself, he then made copies and sold it to a handful of other pedophiles in the neigborhood. Some “good” samaritan handed it over to the police and so it was back to the therapists and psychiatrist. I had nearly put the whole thing out of my mind until a year or so later when I got a summons out of the blue to testify at a bench trial. When it hit the papers I far too embarrased to go to school, wondering what the few teachers who actually had the pleasure of seeing me in class would think. Since I was only showing up for my electives at that time anyways it came as no shock when I dropped out.

At this time in the story I’m nearing adulthood and have the freedom more or less to make decisions. Most of my decisions at the time were based on the deep rooted resentment I hold for my sister and to a lesser extent my mother. I got involved with some lowlife because he had an apartment and I saw it as an easy way out of my parents home. I moved in with him after just a month or so got my GED and started community college. College was an amazing experience, being praised for academic acheivement and none of the pressure from peers or administrators to make friends or maintain connections. The only black cloud was my current relationship, he was a bit more invested than me so when I inevitable started to pull back he got violent. I ended up on academic probation for missing classes and nearly dropped out again. This time I decided to suck up my pride and do things the “normal” way, so I moved back home.

In my youth I found most of my conquests using aol chatrooms and instant messenger, not having many friends or anyone to andwer to that’s where I went on the rare chance I did want social interaction. Also where I met my husband, we were supposed to meet for a date and do the obvious. We got as far as the obvious part and never stopped, two months in he gave me an ultimatum. He told me I could either move in with him or let the relationship potentially fizzle out. I chose to move in. He also happens to have a daughter who was 4 at the time. This is where whatever this disconnect becomes an actual problem for me. My husband deals with my aloofness just fine, I’ve learned how to appease him enough that he just thinks of my distance as stress related. His daughter however is continually trying to find ways to bond and figure out what we have in common. This angers me to no end, she askes my family about me as a kid, she tries to figure out what music I like, and she’s constantly trying to emulate me throwing my own political views and ideals back at me with very little change to the dialect. Seriously, her attempts at trying to form a connection are so transparent. This has been going on for nearly 11 years and I have only recently been able to look at my own behavioral patterns and notice the correlation between people who want me to love them and the anger it incites. I can only assume the anger is born of fear and it has been so close to me and such a part of me, I don’t know if I would let it go if I could.

There are some pieces of my story missing, but I hope this touches on what I’m trying to say and if there is anyone who understands.

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What should I do?

Is what I’m doing even right? I keep pushing boys away, no matter how nice they are. I got rejected in 8th grade by one of my guy friends. After that incident, I just felt dead. I don’t know what I should do anymore.

He stopped talking to me and avoided eye contact with me. My heart hurts and I just can’t think straight. Because of this, I stopped having guy friends and trying hard not to be near any.

To be honest, this is hard. I developed depression after a year or two. This just hit me hard. Now I’m in my first year of college. I’m starting to accept this whole rejection thing because of what happened on Thanksgiving. But I just can’t have the strength to like anyone anymore.

I’m afraid to love, afraid to feel the same pain again. Everywhere I go, I see couples doing sweet things together. I envy them but I never planned to break them up. I always wanted a guy friend to comfort me when I’m sad or would spend time with me. But this incident ruined everything already.

I feel horrible…my heart hurts so bad that I just want to scream out loud. Because he was my first crush and even though 4 years has passed, I just can’t find the courage to like anyone again.

Since then, I changed. I was a sweet and cheerful girl back then, but now…I’ve become so cold and mostly don’t have any facial expressions. I lost my smile. I just can’t feel happy anymore because there’s really nothing to look forward to anymore…


Am I Philophobic? (Or just unreasonable?)

I recognize that I have some trust issues…they don’t reveal themselves in most of my relationships nearly as badly as they do when I consider the potential for a romantic relationship.

I desperately want to be able to be in a romantic relationship; the idea of vulnerability and being known and loved and knowing and loving someone else are all wonderful…Until it’s really in front of me, and then I choke.

I want a relationship, until the other person wants it too, and then I back out, afraid of being touched by them, afraid of letting them know anything about me, afraid of them getting to know me and then leaving.

This is so severe that when the guy that I like is nice to me, I lash out verbally or freeze up; and I find that I most often attach myself to men who are not interested, because it’s easier to pine over someone than to risk having to figure out how to be in a relationship, or trust someone to love me.

Do I have philophobia? Or is it just other issues? ha.

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