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Category: Gay philophobia stories

I can’t breathe now.

So I have this boyfriend I’m dating now. It’s my third. After like 2 failed relationships this past 6 months I am really exhausted. Now I just assume everyone in my life is gonna leave me soon, which is probably true.

Sometimes I wish I could just not fall in love so deeply but then I just uncontrollably fall in love. And then I would cry alone at night just because the thought of him leaving me for someone else. Like even though he treated me well and nice and do everything.

So then his friend, A, come along and we become a trio that is so awkward. I just can’t let go the fear that he’s gonna dump me for A and I’ll just literally panic every waking minute.

And A is this fuckboy that is flirting with everyone. And my boyfriend would just simply tell him everything about us. Our sex, our things, even my private stuff. Like I don’t mind A knowing, but I feel like he is trying to prove something or earn something from A, which made me feel very inadequate and exposed.

And then I also have this weird attraction to A and then my boyfriend don’t seem to mind at all, and I’m constantly battling in every forefront trying to figure out what I’m feeling, what he’s feeling and what’s A up to.

So I finally gave in. I knew they wanted a threesome. I actually don’t mind having sex with A. But the thought of my boyfriend making out with A in front of me is horrific.

And then I went there. I saw it. I saw A fuck my boyfriend. Now everything is shattered even though I fully expected it to happen. Even though I know even not for A, sooner or later he is going to leave me for someone else.

So I just sit there and watched. And i have to hold back my tears and tough it through. And I went home. I cried for like an hour.

No one texted me. No one ask if I’m ok. No one cares. And I’m here sitting alone.

Why do I feel like this. Even though I anticipated this to happen, maybe I just didn’t think it would come this quick. Now I self-loathe and can’t sleep and can’t stop thinking about it and I just can’t breathe.

I’m scared to love him anymore. I’m scared to love anyone anymore. Now I can’t even talk to any of my friends thinking when are they gonna leave me one by one. I really don’t know what to do.

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A problem with no solution

I’m a bisexual girl (I think) and in my society it’s very wrong to be gay and I agree (don’t get offended it’s just my opinion) I know it’s not a choice to be gay or straight but it’s still wrong and u should avoid those situations IN MY OPNINION. But I like this girl but she’s straight and even if she wasn’t i wouldn’t date her because I’m scared that she’d do it just for fun or she won’t love me as much as I love her and I’m the type of person that doesn’t like people easily and I’m very picky with people in general but when I find someone I like, I like them more than I should and get really sensitive and jealous towards them. She’s also a very pretty girl so I’m sure a lot of people would flirt with her and I’d get angry so all that would happen if we ever dated is me getting hurt but I’m also hurt by nothing happening between us I really don’t know what to do. 1. She’s straight 2. If she’s gay i wouldn’t date her 3. I don’t want us to be just friends. A problem with no solution!

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Do I follow my heart even though I know what’s right?

I met her my freshman year in college a week before school started during orientation. She was out of my league & she had a bf but I still agreed to be down with her. I wanted her to myself & I couldn’t just say that like that I thought shed laugh at me & call it off got with another girl to make her jealous & it worked & i had her all to myself.

It was good but then I found these messages & I just felt crushed. So I started back talking to the girl & then just made everything worse. I didn’t love this girl she was just a decoy to get the girl I really wanted but I was so afraid that the girl I wanted would just leave me so I kept her around & that’s where I messed up at.

I didn’t believe in myself. I was so afraid of being abandoned of giving someone my all & having them walk out on me. I felt something the first time we kissed it was magic the first time I made love to her & everything was so right but I couldn’t stop being afraid I kept that girl around until I needed her I told her what she wanted to hear to keep her around in case I ended up heart broken but all along I was hurting the girl I cared so much about.

I made her feel like she had to compete with another girl & it never was like that. She was the one I wanted. The one I loved. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Why was I so afraid.

And now that we are not together I feel so miserable. I sit alone in my bed & I just cry I think about her 24/7. I’ll do anything for this girl, I love her so much that I’d give it all up just to be around her. And now she talks to someone else. It hurts to see her tweeting about them taking pictures with them.

We both did our fair share of shit to each other but I hurt her so bad & that was never my intention. I never meant to hurt her. I was protecting myself that I forgot to protect her.

And I want it all back. I want to lay up with her & watch movies all day or lay up while she runs her fingers through my hair. I never felt this way before for any girl & I don’t want to give up, I want to hold on cause I can’t see myself with no other girl.

She has made me a better person. In those three years together she has made not afraid to love again. I’m so attached to her. I don’t want no one else but her & I know that I should move on but my heart won’t let me.

We were just together the other night & it felt so perfect I felt at home being around her. I know it was a bad idea but I’m so glad that I was around her. The way she smelled, the way I held her that night, it was just so perfect. I’m so in love with this girl but she’s fed up with me.

I honestly hate myself cause I had the woman of my dreams & I messed it all up. I pray to God to bring us back together, I get on my knees & ask that he sees us through this.

I want to marry her, I want to raise kids with her & I never felt that way about anybody. I feel like myself when I’m with her. I just can’t let her go even though I should my heart won’t let me.

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Is this something that everyone goes through?

I’ve had this shameful past for a long time. I was intimate with this girl, which is how i realized that i was gay. I kept going on for about a year or two, but every time it happened, the next moment i felt total regret. It wasn’t just her that i had a physical connection with either. I kept thinking to myself, “What would my friends think?” and “Will everybody treat me differently?”

This secret lasted for 5 years – and every year got worse and worse. Then one day, she told this guy that i liked and his friends everything….. after five years she’s just like “oh yeah by the way, I had a deep physical relationship with the girl you like, so basically she’s a lesbian – anyways how’s your day?” I didn’t know that she told, until afterwards where every time i passed by him and his friends, they would say, “Hey – lesbianist.” (reference from pitch perfect).

Ever since then, I have been afraid to even touch someone romantically. And when someone admits that they even like me – my hands start shaking, I can breathe, it feels like the sky is falling above me and leaving all its weight on me, and I can’t sleep, eat or think, and i start to cry. Sometimes i just wish to be normal for one day…

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…………… YES I am certified Philophobic!

I keep falling in love with a wrong person. I love both guys and girls. but sadly, i always ended up licking my own wound when it comes with LOVE. When i love someone, i’ll love them 100% that even when they hurt me, i still said “it’s ok”.

My biggest heartbroken moment was happening last year. i was in love with this girl. Very very deeply. I really care about her, i sacrifice so much for her. And i told her she don’t have to return my love, and just let me love her alone. That i can handle. but she ended up confess her love to me. And 2 weeks later she said “oh i don’t have feeling for u anymore”. i feel so hurt and so devastated. since that time, i feel afraid for love. i don’t wanna get hurt like that anymore.

So whenever i develop crush on somebody i will remind myself about that devastating moment and will fight so hard to limit those crush feeling. And so far i succeeded.

Sometimes i feel jealous seeing other with their love by their side while i’m here, single and forever one-sided love. i am scare of falling in love ever again.

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paralyzed mask

Masks. i don’t believe that i’ve ever being either totally honest nor trusting towards anyone period. Family, friend nor foe. None.

raised in a strict christian background and a twisted family that birth me not out of love but more of responsibility because coming of age, lived in a country where homosexuality is viewed as a laughing stock or shunned by most if not all and deemed illegal by country law…which makes any activities or movement impossible to be expressed let alone protested

always been an observer in life. where people crowd in to a new fad, i seem to be observing in the sidelines. discovered that i am different. people no matter how much of an outcast, would have at least a support or someone to share their tears and fears with.

unable to share even the simplest of trust let alone love. for some reason, i don’t have any real friends whom i can share my true feelings with, even classmates of any form or potential *friends* eventually just left and find a new friends and share life together

always envy every other normal couples who displayed their PDA openly. a kiss, a hand to hold, an argument or even break up. i had none to begin with. not even a friend whom i can confide in.

fearing love and life became a conditioned lifestyle as the same as breathing air is to me. crushes comes and go, even had 2 – 3 serious unrequited loves that lasted 4-5 years without any confessions as i know any that escapes my lips will immediately loses any *friends* that knew the *me* that wore a face that i show to the world

experiences of people i know finding im queer? yeap…and they never see me the same again, shunned me, isolate me from their friends

painful experiences? seeing someone you love; love others – aid someone you love to patch their fallen apart love life – requested by parent(s) of someone you love help to aid them in advising to let go of their love and watch over/comfort them after break up (while knowing both your love and their love personally) – receiving news that someone you love got engaged/married – seeing someone you love get married and have children etc which of all the above i have to endure seeing, masked without showing any signs of breakdown, experiencing it with other *friends* who cheered for their successes, leaving me all broken or should i say paralyze in fear or broken without anyone knowing that i had any feelings

holidays, occasions, where lovers crowd and show their affections or care while i put up a *brave* face seeing how lovers get together all mushy or watching love scenes from any form. or that people who wanted to care for me ask how am i, reassuring me that whatever im facing is just a passing phase

extremely tired, paralyzed to my core while showing the world how *fine* or *happy* i am. when all i did was falling in love.

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