Love, to me, is for people who deserve it. I don’t feel as though I do. I’ve done nothing of value, I own nothing, I owe nothing, my very existence has been self constructed to impact as little as possible on everyone I encounter. I make friends easily, I’m pleasant to everyone, I make an effort to not upset or offend but when someone starts to come close I drift to new people who know only the superficial. The only part of my being that could be considered interesting.
I learnt very young (6 or so) that being who I was made everyone dislike and ignore me. It took until I was 17 until I had built myself into someone who could blend like a chameleon into any situation or group and not draw attention to all my flaws.
Now (20) this person lives seemingly happily. He has a decent job, a myriad of friends, none very close, a nice place that is oddly empty of personal items. He has no photo’s, no cards, no treasured memento’s. Big events in his life are noticed by some but are not celebrated or questioned. He does not date. He very occasionally has sex but rarely with the same man more than once. He has never dated or had a relationship. He watches everyone around him live, love, hurt and wonders what is the point.
Is this habit that is so ingrained in his very being even able to be changed? Would trying to get close and to love and dropping the uncaring bland façade really be worth it? What if he ends up back as the hated child with no friends, no one to talk to, in complete solitude. Are shallow feelings and superficial relationships the better option?
Is feeling pain again better than nothing at all I guess is what I’m truly asking. If you can answer me this convincingly you may have saved him from a very long and unremarkable existence.