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Category: Gay philophobia stories

Given up?

Love, to me, is for people who deserve it. I don’t feel as though I do. I’ve done nothing of value, I own nothing, I owe nothing, my very existence has been self constructed to impact as little as possible on everyone I encounter. I make friends easily, I’m pleasant to everyone, I make an effort to not upset or offend but when someone starts to come close I drift to new people who know only the superficial. The only part of my being that could be considered interesting.

I learnt very young (6 or so) that being who I was made everyone dislike and ignore me. It took until I was 17 until I had built myself into someone who could blend like a chameleon into any situation or group and not draw attention to all my flaws.

Now (20) this person lives seemingly happily. He has a decent job, a myriad of friends, none very close, a nice place that is oddly empty of personal items. He has no photo’s, no cards, no treasured memento’s. Big events in his life are noticed by some but are not celebrated or questioned. He does not date. He very occasionally has sex but rarely with the same man more than once. He has never dated or had a relationship. He watches everyone around him live, love, hurt and wonders what is the point.

Is this habit that is so ingrained in his very being even able to be changed? Would trying to get close and to love and dropping the uncaring bland fa├žade really be worth it? What if he ends up back as the hated child with no friends, no one to talk to, in complete solitude. Are shallow feelings and superficial relationships the better option?

Is feeling pain again better than nothing at all I guess is what I’m truly asking. If you can answer me this convincingly you may have saved him from a very long and unremarkable existence.

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I choose flight…

I’m not sure how this all started. I’ve always avoided meeting new people and making friends and I never thought anything of it. When I manage to meet someone new I instantly assume they hate me. I am fine with that though. I have no problems with being alone. I enjoy it. Sometimes it gets a little depressing and I try to find a relationship. It never works out though. As soon as the person tells me they love me or I realize that I love them I start to panic. Everything in my body screams to run and I feel like I’m about to die.

I… Just can’t bring myself to be with someone. To be their slave… To lose myself to them… I know that they won’t ever feel the same way that I would about them and then they would leave me… I’m fine with being alone but not with someone leaving me. I have to be the one in control. Not them. I have to be the master of my body. Not my emotions.

If someone tries to get close to me, I run. Sometimes I physically run away but most of the time I do it mentally. I pull back, raise walls, and force my emotions so deep within me that they can’t control me. I’m okay with sex. Sex means nothing to me. It’s the emotions the people try to bring with them that jump starts my panic attacks. So I push away and convince myself they no one will ever love me and I feel safe.

I feel hated and isolated but it doesn’t hurt. Nothing can hurt me if I don’t feel anything. I’m as unfeeling as stone and I’m fine with it. No one can touch me. I’m alone and I’m fine with it. To be alone… To be without love.. Is to be safe.

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My girlfriend

She’s absolutely amazing. This is the one time where I know I’m safe in this. Meaning falling in love. She cares just as much as i do , and yet I can’t help but be stuck.

We’ve been dating a year now and she’s told me she loves me countless times.. I’ve never said it once. It’s like every time I try I can’t.

My ex really hurt me and I’m so scared of falling crazy in love and hurting that bad again. My girlfriend is what I want 100% and I don’t want my ex. I just cant get over the pain of hurting. It’s like I’m picking at a scab that’s just trying to heal from scarring. I don’t want to hurt any more. I want to trust and love my girlfriend just as much as she loves me.

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Fear of being loved

I hate romance, and love, opening up to someone is impossible, Marriage is a dirty word, and I would rather see the new Paranormal Activity than that RomCom Katherine Heigl’s in. I guess its a bad thing that I’m so involved with my best friend. She says she loves me, She wants to be with me forever, but I don’t understand it.

It scares the crap outta me. Last night I had a break down, I was screaming and crying, and ended up carving the hell out of my arm. It says some crazy things. Like:
“I hate myself.”
“Perfect.”
(And of course) “Fear of Being Loved”

I didn’t really remember much of it afterward, but it was enough to scare her to the point of shaking and tears. I need to figure this out, this is my best friend here.

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Breakdowns

About a year ago, I met this girl named Ally.

I don’t know what I am, if I’m bi, or gay, but I really don’t care. All I know is that Ally is my best friend, but I do also think I love her.

Every time I have liked someone, and had them return my feelings, has ended in tragedy. I am fine to love someone…as long as they don’t know, or don’t return the feelings. Every time it has happened in the past, where I have confessed, or if another person just has an interest in me, I freak out. I isolate myself from that person, and I completely break down.

I’m scared it’s gonna be like that again. I know I love Ally, but I don’t want to lose her. She is my best friend…and I’m ok with just that. I wish I could tell her, I wish I could have her return my feelings…but I’m too scared if It’ll happen again.

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I’m the constant third wheel

First of all, id just like to mention that it makes me feel a lot better knowing im not the only one out there like this. I guess, like everyone else here.. I want to go stick my head in the floor ostrich style when i have to think about love.

Ive already pushed away a bunch of guys and a few girls because i cant handle it. i dont understand how its even possible to love someone but be terrified of it at the same time. Its almost like im begging for rejection so i dont have to deal with the aftermath. The only problem is that everyones pairing off, im the constant third wheel, and i feel like im going to grow old and die alone. heh alright, maybe that last ones a bit dramatic.. but i just wish someone out there could tell me a way to get the hell out of this mess. Not many things can make me feel like a freak but this, yah this does.

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