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Category: Male philophobia stories

Beautiful Strangers

I always fall for strangers because of I feel secure with their anonymity.
I’ve only liked 4 for my entire life and I’ve never been near them nor said hi in person. My body has an automatic fight or flight response whenever they are near.
I loved looking at their faces, they were beautiful but the thought of them looking back and smiling gave me chills to the point I want to hide and not be seen again.

I’m bi and I never liked anyone deeply enough because of my detachment issues. I have no idea what it feels like to be loved and I don’t even know what it feels like to truly love someone.

The thought of affection scares me.
Yet it feels horrible that I have a phobia like this.
I always just look at them, day dreaming and drawing them. I know it sounds creepy but that’s all I can do… to express.

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My Fortress of Solitude

I’ve always been afraid of girls. Ever since April threw away the buttercup I’d hidden in her desk. She said I was gross when my friends told her it was me. The whole class laughed, and I can hear that laughter now like it was yesterday. That was over twenty years ago.

That isn’t true though, about always being afraid. I tried again and again and again. When I was twenty I fell in love. We lived together, I thought I’d finally met the love of my life. She said she loved me too. After a while though, she stopped talking to me. She pulled away, and nothing I could do brought her back. It was hell, lying in bed next to her every night. Silence. Eventually I broke, I couldn’t take it any more. She was miserable and I let her go. I thought I couldn’t cry anymore. I was wrong.

Since then, I’ve shut everyone out. A few of my friends have held on tight enough that I spend a few hours with them once a month. After a few years I reconnected with my family. You’d think living with them I wouldn’t be able to shut them out, but I did. In my room where no one could see me or hear me, my fortress of solitude.

I finished college, I even tried dating once or twice. I don’t care anymore though, it always ends in pain. I won’t talk to a girl I don’t know. Hell I won’t talk to anyone I don’t have a good reason to.
She makes eye contact across the room, and every thing I am wants to walk over and talk to her. I don’t though. She’ll just reject me, I won’t have anything to talk about. Even if we go out she won’t answer my calls after a few dates, and if it does she’ll break up with me eventually. Worst case, she’ll wait till we get married and take half of all these things I don’t actually own.

I tell myself relationships don’t work. That I’m unlovable, that they’ll always cheat, that they’ll always leave, and I’d be better off alone in my room, my fortress of solitude.

I’m working on it. Some days are better than others. I’ve even made a few friends recently, although all I want to do is pull away again. It’s work not to lock that door, but I know. My fortress, it’s my prison.


Early childhood, perhaps

I believe to a large degree our experiences in our youth very much set our pathways emotionally and cognitively.

When i was fourteen my father killed himself and it obviously had a huge lasting effect, i felt very unloved and feel this imprinted that love hurts in me deep. I was a young man and about six months after dad died my first loved dumped me, this event hurt as well. but i already cognitively knew that getting close to others caused (or had the potential to cause) the most excruciating mental pain ever felt.

As life went on i felt the very strong honest call to be loved and love. Each time a relationship ended the exact same physical and mental pains returned, later on in my twenties a brother died and again the deepest love caused so much pain . and later a friend killed and later yet another brother died …. you get it love began to equal abandonment and pain. Yet i still poses this human need for love.

I tried for a few years to abandon this love feeling so much i couldn’t love myself …. So i was in a real paradox most of my life wanting to love and be loved but knowing it will eventually end somehow and devastate me.

I am a handsome man so was courted by women often enough and would go out with whom ever asked (i have never asked a lady out my entire life). I had four relationships in my adult life each lasting five years. And ending with them leaving or cheating on me. They all said they never felt loved. I loved them so much i thought and was wrecked each time a relation ended.

I am now in my late forties going through it all again. I have tried to explain this to women before how the thought and dependency of love terrified me but doesn’t mean i don’t love. I explained i would never lie, cheat, leave or be unproductive and always find the positive in things …. still the selfishness we all poses trumped love each time.

I remain a handsome man, financially fit, and intellectually sound. Yet I can’t seem to find someone who is just ok without the big Love word threatening and eventually ending an otherwise great relationship.

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Destroyed relationship

I’m 26yrs old, somewhat philophobic. Never been in a relationship, but a few months ago I fell in limerence with a girl who fit all I seek from a dream person.

I confessed, she accepted it, and we became a couple. However, only after 3 weeks .. something happened between the girl and her ex, she then start giving me silent treatment, in the pretext of needing space. However, due to limerence, I became really attached and persistent to get her to tell me whats happening. As days went by without contact, I start becoming upset, and my philophobia kicks in that I started being persistent asking whether she’s dumping me.

Unknown to me, all my actions start pushing her away, made her angry.

Finally I let her go myself as I could not stand the heartbreak feeling. Broke up with her through facebook because of lack of ways to contact her -> she ignored my PM, turned off her phone, etc.

Now everything destroyed .. and after postmortem on what I’ve done, its clear that 90% of fault lies on me, due to inability to be calm.

Not sure if we’ll ever be friends again. I’ve did so many wrong stuff to her. The guilt and the trauma seeing how much damage I did I think now increases my philophobia.

I guess I’m way too comfortable being alone that when a challenge happen in a relationship, I ended up trying destroying the relationship to protect myself.

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All Too Familiar

I googled “fear of love” this morning to find out that it is called Philophobia. And, after reading just one page on this sight, I know for a fact I am one.

I don’t know if it is completely due to my childhood or a combination of things, but I had a severely bad childhood. Basically everything under the sun besides sexual abuse was my upbringing till I broke away from my family at 20. I was forced to move around all of my childhood also, never having even lasting friendships.

Unfortunately for me I have a very good memory and was smart enough as a toddler to understand some of the adult things I witnessed growing up, too embarrassing to ever repeat to another human being.

Now at 28 years old, the kindest and the most beautiful woman (I literally mean this) I have ever met has been flirting with (and I back) for 7 months. I am more attracted to her kindness and her character than her body, simply because she doesn’t take advantage of people with it. This amazes me.

I mean it with all my soul that I lost my faith in humanity when I was 8, but I want to get it back.

I’m sure from my description of myself that you’re imagining a large, scruffy tattoo covered man. I have learned to hide myself very well, since I know for a fact that people are afraid of my full personality.

Ironically, this is the same exact reason the girl I am trying to see is single and interested in me. We both have philophobia. She is a very sincere and bold person, but also twice as kind. We are oodling at each other like nobodies business, but are both scared to make any moves. Everyone I work with is a spectator of this, all of them scratching their heads.

I have been facing this fear head on as much as I can. I put a rose and a note on her windshield, only to see her face the next day (me being insanely curious to her response) covered with the look of absolute dread and fear.

I walked out of my job feeling destroyed, only to go into work the next day seeing her bouncing off the walls. She was thrilled that I liked her as much as she likes me, but was so terrified of me that she was taking out her excitement on everyone else in the room.

See, when I first saw this girl at my job, her eye sockets were bruised and she covered them up with a bad attempt of large sunglasses indoors. She noticed that I saw her bruises and was enraged. At this time, I didn’t even know her name yet.

Everyday that I know I’m about to see her, I feel like I’m doing tempting death. I’ve never felt fear like this in my life, but I’m fighting this tooth and nail because I know I need it. She does too…

She has only just started talking to me back, because after I left a rose on her car, she acted like I was the grim reaper. Now she is full blown hitting on me, now that she sees that I’ve backed off from seeing her fearful response. I feel like this is going to go on forever with the back and forth.

And yes, this is all 100% true. Two philophobians trying to talk to each other… I feel fucking ridiculous for even trying.

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love, betrayal

I’m 24 yrs old guy with two breakups so far. One was when i was 18 which took me almost four years to get over. Another one was when i was 22 which is even harder to forget. Now, even if girls flirt with me, I’m scared or don’t have a feeling for sincere love. It only works with my mind, i have stopped thinking with my heart which is what is more worrisome for me.

Although i put up a facade in front of others i know i’m always suffering from solitude.

I host lot of parties with my cousin and friends, some of the worst moments come when everyone’s having food. They feed their better halves whereas noone cares for whether i had food or not.

Wish i never went through this.

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