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Category: Male philophobia stories

Fear on both sides

I’m not sure how to start this, so I’m just going to say what the title means. I’m terrified of loving and being loved, but at the same time, I’m scared of being alone. And with these two fears clashing, it’s constant hell.

I’ve only had one girlfriend, but that only lasted about 2 months.. And quite honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever really recovered from that, even though it was almost 5 years ago. I was pretty much a rebound for her, and after that, I’m just scared of feeling the same hurt I felt after it ended.

I’ve “liked” a few other women and had initially become friends with them. But was too afraid to tell them about liking them for quite a while. When I do that, they never feel the same and I end up driving them away, leaving me feeling even more hurt.

Now I’m just not sure what to do anymore because I am terribly afraid of going through the same thing and feeling that pain. But at the same time, I am incredibly afraid of ending up alone as well. And piled on top of that now is being unemployed and turned down for job after job. I know a huge part of that is because of the way I am whenever I meet for an interview. I can’t relax and become very nervous.

Btw, I have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Depression. I’m sick of being stuck in this vicious cycle of falling further and further into a state of path of self destruction.

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Trying to think positively

I found this page – and term “philophobia” yesterday. I have to say, I’ve had this for my whole life. And pretty much all of my relationships have been disasters.

I’ve always had an urge to find a perfect relationship. And ended up with really bad ones – years ago I figured out, it was far easier to be in a relationship where I did not have too much feelings.

Now that I’ve been able to overcome my alcoholism, ADD, generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks with aid of ayurveda, my life changed drastically – and I thought, I could live pretty much “normal” life.

But no.. Looks like I need to redefine “normal” again.

Decades of constant anxiety did a trick to my mind, which is called “dissociative disorder”. I learned to use dissociation to cope in life with anxiety. Just forcing myself into situations like acting in hobbyist theatre, singing karaoke, working as a museum guide, teacher and consultant.

So, dissociations can be a positive thing.. But they can go wrong in many aspects. Especially when talking about relationships.

I have wondered why I can all of a sudden lose all of my feelings for someone. There is no hate, disgust, nothing negative.. but I just temporarily feel like don’t love her anymore. After a while, my feelings come back.

Currently, I think my mind has created a dissociation strong enough to act like two distinct personalities. Fears tend to trigger “swapping” between them and one of my strongest fears seems to be love.

The other of my two biggest fears is losing relationships, friends, job, etc..

Fear of love combined to fear of losing your loved one and dual personality triggered by those fears might not be the end of life. But.. I have to say, I’m not willing to hurt anyone with this.

So, I might choose solitude as my lifestyle at least for a while rather than banging my head against the wall.

Thank God, I’m single.

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I don’t know what to do. I am desperate…

The same goes for me. When my girlfriend told me that she had such a big crush on me, I just somehow freaked out. I didn’t feel happy but felt a big burden when I received my birthday present from her. I kept distancing her, ignoring her love for me. But finally, after she loved someone else, I felt that I couldn’t live without her. And sometimes I feel the history is going to repeat itself over and over again with every woman who falls in love with me. And I have no idea how to deal with it…

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Time flies; time dies.

Every morning, I would wake up to her texts. I’d try to think of how to respond, and say something utterly stupid. She said I was perfect, and I know she is. She’s absolutely perfect to me. When I was talking to her… It felt as though nothing else mattered. She promised we would be together forever. She was my life, my soul, my everything. One night it all just… Stopped. It happened so quickly. “The truth is, I was only with you for all those months to make you happy.”

Once I received that text, I instantly threw up. The one person I ever truly cared about was leaving me. I broke down, and sobbed for hours on end. It may seem stupid, but truly, I didn’t know what was happening. She was the world to me. We lasted a week as friends, until she called me one night in tears. She was in love with someone else, and told me about how badly she just wanted to be held by them, and wanted to kiss them.

At that moment, I completely broke. I told her it would be okay, and it was for them. For me, not so much. My best friend soon became her best friend, and I was left with no one. No one I could talk to, at least. I didn’t know what to do, so I did everything I could to not feel the pain. I made cuts down my arms and legs, and almost killed myself. I felt the burn, but I couldn’t feel the pain.

Ever since then, she’s only texted me once. She said to burn myself, and cut myself. I don’t know why, but the words still ring clear in my mind.

A sort of numbness has over taken me now. If someone says they like me, I smile and nod. But inside I’m only thinking, “I don’t know if I should believe that or not. No matter how lovely you are, I can never have feelings for you.” No matter how many opportunities for emotional attachment appear, I cant take them. It’s as though every part of my brain is telling me I should, but I physically cant. Love doesn’t feel like anything with anyone but her. /I/ don’t feel like anything without her. It’s been such a long time… What even made her so special? They say the price of love is loss, but still we pay. It feels like I’ve run out of money for it. No one else matters.

My best friend wont talk to me much anymore, and I’ve blocked her Facebook account in hope of forgetting. I’ll never forget… can’t love anyone else. Try as I may, the idea of it makes me vomit. I cant talk to anybody about it. Some days I feel there’s just not a way to go on. I’m living in a world of clouds and grey, but one thing’s crystal clear: I wish she was here. I love her. But every day I’m learning that all my life I’ve only been pretending. Without me, her world will go on turning. A world that’s full of happiness. I want her to be happy. I just wish I could have been the one to make her happy.

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It took me give years to realize…

Where to start? My high school relationships were not the best; one was manipulative while the others were obsessive.

What leads me to my self-diagnosis with philophobia was a visit two weeks ago. It was not a visit from an ex-girlfriend, but from her mother. This particular relationship started out okay with harmless e-mail exchanges and overly excited writers’ workshop meetings. However, that was where it took a turn for the worse. She initially forced me to attend her junior prom without even asking me first. I thought this was just a get-together between friends so I had no objections.

Months later, I found myself hanging out with her at a house in the woods. We played Clue which was harmless, right? Unfortunately, no. She moved her character past mine and made a little kissing sound like how she pecked me during the prom. That’s when I started getting the chills. Before we left that house, she asked me if I wanted to start a family. This was only a few months after the prom and we haven’t known each other for a year. I went pale and said no as we drove away.

That was five years ago and her mother dropped by my workplace. I could feel that creeping sense of dread as she spoke. I wanted to run. I remained distant from everyone for the rest of the week, afraid that she could come back with my ex.

So many people asked me if I had a girlfriend or if I was ever going marry. There was even a post on my university’s “crushes” page on Facebook talking about me. As much as it’s flattering, it makes me paranoid that the same thing will happen again if I entered a relationship.

Five years and now I realize how afraid I am. Such a long time…

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To fall and to fall

Back in my high school days I used to hang out with a girl that I really like. We were always together, when we pass by each other we would both smile deeply from the heart. I told her I like her and she’s okay with it. But then a guy who likes her confront me and ask if I’m courting her, I said yes obviously. She was okay about everything pertaining us. We were like created for each other, but as the courting go on for months, she changed, we both changed. I still like her, while she became engrossed.

A year past, she rejected me through chat. I miss everything we did, playing video games and debating about philosophy. But then I met someone as similar as her, no, more than her. I tried to do the same thing I do with my past love. But the memories that we both made slowly ate my happiness, leaving me in depression, making me drop out of college in the middle of second semester.

Another college, another life. Just when I thought I could get myself together, I saw someone similar, again, another her. I just fall down and cry, not being able to start the new life I’m dreaming of. The only thing I know is that, for the last 3 years, I’ve been in love with the same person.

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