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Category: Looking in (non-philophobics)

Too scared (I need advice)

Dear all,

I’m a girl who’s suffering a lot. I think that my now ex-boyfriend might be a philophobic, or at least I know he needs help.

I am from South America, and he is from the US, and we both live in Spain right now. We met last May, and he did everything in order to see me. He sent me lots of messages, let’s do this or that. He wanted to see me all the time, and I have to admit I was really flattered. Ten days later, he kissed me for the first time. I had noticed that he wanted to kiss me before, but he didn’t dare, so in a way I made it evident (though not saying it directly) that I wanted to kiss him, too. A week later we made love, and it was one of the most magical nights of my life. From then on we started dating, though not officially saying so. My mother came to visit me, and he said he wanted to meet her, because he liked me. I have never pressed or said anything for this to happen, because I did not want to speed up things.

He had to spend his summer holidays in the US, he already had the ticket by the time we met. The night before he left, we saw each other, and after making love, in the darkness of his bedroom he told me how he felt, and that he thought that I was worthy it. He was afraid of being away for 2 months and ruining everything. He had had a bad experience with his ex-girlfriend, they kept a relationship in the distance and she had been in a parallel relationship for a year until he got to know it. He blamed himself, he said he ruined everything. He also told me that in 3 years of that relationship, she had never had an orgasm, and that made him feel bad as a man. I tried to comfort him telling him that he was not to blame for that, it was not his fault… And I told him he made me feel very good. In fact, he is the only man who made me feel electricity all over my body.

And so he went back to his homeland, and from there he introduced me to his whole family, with whom I talked through webcam. His friends said that he said so many cool things about me. We were in love, and I wanted to tell him how I felt, so I said it in Spanish, by email. He answered me back the same way, and started me calling the usual words for a couple: honey, darling, baby. That made me extremely happy. He finally changed his plane ticket, and came back a month and a half after, because he wanted to be with me. In person, one night, I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too, but that he had been waiting to say it in person.

However, 10 days after that, everything changed, and all of a sudden he decided to leave me. He said he wasn’t ready, that he would ruin it all, etc, etc. So many incoherent excuses, I couldn’t understand anything. All of a sudden, no more messages, no more emails, no more phone calls, he just vanished. A month later we met by chance and he hugged me and said he had missed me. A month after that I contacted him, and we saw each other three more times in a period of a month. I got to know that he was still in love with me, but frightened. I was right, then. So the last time we met, I couldn’t stand the situation anymore and told him that I loved him with all my heart and soul, and that I was willing to risk everything for him. I told him I knew he was afraid, and told him to face his feelings. With tears in his eyes (though he never cried), he denied everything, and he told me that in fact there was nothing left of what he felt for me. I told him that would be the last time we saw each other then, and he said he didn’t believe in “nevers” and repeated this several times. I told him I would not contact him ever again, but that if he ever wanted to contact me, I would be on the other side. And we parted.

I don’t believe him, and I am not hurt by what he said, but by the fact that he is lying to himself and to me. He doesn’t trust in me, though he trusts in other people almost unknown to him, as if he was asking desperately for help, though nobody is doing anything, nobody listens to him.

I would really like to help him, but he will not allow me to do so. I don’t know what to do, that’s why I’m here, and I need someone to talk to, because nobody seems to care either, and I feel awful.

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Love of My Life

I am so incredibly in love with the most gorgeous, talented, funny, kind, compassionate, wonderful man. We have spent the last 2 1/2 years together, always hand-in-hand, always laughing and holding one another. Things have not always been perfect, but what relationship really is?

Several days ago, my boyfriend told me that we needed to break up. I knew that he had been feeling off for some time, but we always tried to look for other things to blame his negative feelings toward our relationship on. I have been his first serious relationship, and I have done nothing for the last 2 1/2 years but love and support him, trying to do anything and everything I could to help him through the issues that kept reoccurring between us.

For the entirety of our relationship, he has had periods of extreme anxiety, where he says he doesn’t know if he loves me or not, and becomes obsessed with the feeling. No matter what he was doing, he would have that thought in the back of his mind. His actions have completely contradicted that thought, though he seems convinced that the thoughtfulness and affection was all just some sort of act that he forced himself into with me.

He has told me several times before that he feels physically ill when he is near me, speaks to me, thinks about me, or even talks about our relationship with someone else. He gets a sick feeling that he has described as a blackness in the pit of his stomach, he has difficulty breathing, he begins to sweat, he can’t find the words he wants to say to me, his heartbeat becomes irregular which causes his “heart to hurt,” and he loses all interest in me, in our relationship, and in loving me. He says that he feels as if he is two different people, and that he has trouble even feeling connected to those he wishes to be friends with. The only people he can effectively communicate with are his family members, and because of this, he often says he just wants to go home or that he misses his family when he becomes distressed about me or our relationship. He says that the only time he feels like himself is when he’s at home.

I can’t even imagine how painful that must be for him, but it also is incredibly painful for me. It breaks my heart to watch him suffer, and know that I am somehow causing the issues, though I only try to help as much as I can. I am so drawn to him, and he is drawn to me, but these symptoms have caused him to pull away from me and doubt his love for me at all. He has created very high expectations of what a relationship should be, although he has never experienced a serious one before ours, and always seems disappointed that I cannot satisfy every need life presents him. He does not appreciate me or the effort I put into helping and keeping things together, and he has admitted this many times. He often feels an intense need to confess any thought or feeling he has had that makes him feel guilty about me or our relationship, and will say hurtful things to me because of this. It’s almost as if he has no filter. As much as I appreciate his honesty, I sometimes just can’t stand to hear what he’s thinking.

I accidentally came across philophobia today, and the symptoms I read about it sound as if he’d written the articles himself. I showed them to him this morning, and he laughed out loud because he said it sounded like what he’s been telling me word-for-word. Despite this, however, he still shrugged at me when I asked him if he thought this could be the answer. I have still managed to hold onto him, and he has admitted within the last few days that he obviously has feelings for me, but still will not tell me that he loves me anymore.

I’m begging for any advice I can possibly get for this issue. We have an appointment for this coming Thursday to speak with a counselor, so at least it can be brought up then. But until the appointment, I would greatly appreciate any advice at all on how to handle this relationship. I know with every fiber of my being that I am supposed to be with him to help him and to grow with him. I have been drawn to him since the day we met, and I love him with all my heart.

It’s hard sometimes, because we are both only 21, and are also dealing with college. But I have not given up hope yet, and I won’t. So, please, any advice at all would be incredible.

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this and respond.

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I’ve been married to a Philophobic for over 15 years…

I have over 15 years experience being married to a Philophobic. It has been brutal at best. If it weren’t for my love for her and our child we would have ended this long ago. (she’s always been ready for the end, and had no trouble saying so)

When we first started dating she was going through a nasty divorce. I didn’t know it at the time, but when he left her, she had a nervous breakdown and started going out and sleeping around to try to ease the pain, her nine year old daughter pretty much helped her pick herself back up and get herself together. Besides a rough childhood I believe that is what kicked in the Philo mode. A few years later her mother passed away, my wife didn’t shed a tear, although she loved her mother dearly. My wife handled it like a robot. Throughout our marriage I have tried to get her to open her heart and let me in, all I would get is “there’s the door!” or talk about annulment then divorce. I have been abused so badly, you wouldn’t believe all the torment I’ve been through with her, but I hung on;

I felt like God himself wanted me to stay there. Last year our teen aged son finally pulled me aside and wanted to have a talk. He was sick of living with her. He said “Dad, you know how whenever something breaks, you always try to fix it? Even though most people would throw it away? Well, my whole life I’ve been watching you fix things, and that’s cool and all, but my whole life, I’ve also been watching you try to fix your marriage- I need you to know, you can’t fix it! You need to find someone that really loves you.” It has done real damage to him, he no-doubt will need counseling too.

Now here we are 15 and a half years later, through therapy and my own research and intuition, my wife has finally admitted that she has been too afraid all these years to let me in. Afraid of the man who loved her! Now, after all these years, I finally know the demon’s name that stole a chunk of our lives from us. Philophobia.

I’ve sent her links to all the great websites for healing Philophobia, she actually has been reading them and seems to appreciate the help. I on the other hand thank God for her sake, but wonder about myself now. It’s going to take a miracle to make me stay after all the abuse. Being almost nine years younger, and after the bashing my self esteem has taken, I spent the whole last year trying to talk myself into leaving. I feel like I helped her, but now what?! She was a monster to me and I’m not sure I can forget any of it. I’m happy she’s seen the light, but God I need healing now.

If you’re in a relationship with a Philo, bring it to light as soon as possible, don’t waste time. But do it with love and move slow or believe me, they will dump you and run! Any help you try to give will at first be taken as a threat to them. People living in fear can be Tense, Controlling, Competitive, Destructive, and Judgmental. But they will be the first to tell you that YOU are these things, not them! They will try to keep a list of all the things they don’t like about you in order to keep them from seeing all the good things about you. And yes they will tell people close to them how screwy you are instead of how great you are. (like a normal mate would) So beware, and be wise, hear my words and head my warnings. God bless you. You’ll need it.

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Is there really such a thing as philophobia

Only last week my best friend accused me of being afraid of falling in love, when my friend, whom I had a great connection with was moving to China. To her this was not the first time I didn’t give a good guy a chance hence the only explanation for my behaviour has to be that I’m philophobic! To me this seems outrageous, I’m not afraid but I guess I’m holding out for something special. For a guy who can love me today and always, not the one who idolises me or whose only using me. Guess I’m guarding myself from the bad luck of love that has fallen upon my family- mum separated for 20yrs and to top it up moved me to the other end of the world from my father. Her three sisters either divorced or in a sad denial of being in a ‘good’ marriage- one her husband works in another country and she barely sees him and the other aunt, who are we kidding the whole family knows her husband cheats! So excuse me if I’m being logical about love and not senseless!

However, imagine if their tragedy is caused by them being philophobic, it’s got to be true. They overguarded their hearts, in the end marrying the wrong guy. There’s is only few chances of meeting a good person. Then the it goes into a downwards hill meeting one person worse than the previous one and in the end you give up and marry the last one in front of you cos you start to believe you deserve this person!

All I know is I’m this way due to many reasons
– had a cold hearted mother
– come from a cursed family line
– never knew my dad
– first boyfriend was a jerk
– my first love had a double life(married!)

etc and the list goes on but as long as I’m hopeful I shall not be afraid of being loved or falling in love (again)… I know he is out there, the guy who will love me for all my mistakes and passion and whom I will love with every breath of my being.

Night xx

Hopeful Maira

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I’m not the only one :)

Friends and family need to understand that finding a match isn’t written in every human’s destiny, people die everyday solo, I say solo because it’s not living a lonely life, it’s a choice we choose to be solo, mind over matter, we are the ones that balance the earth, if every human found a perfect match we’d all be in heaven right?

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Thanks

I’m not going to lie, I’m in no way philophobic, in fact, the complete opposite, and I’m hopelessly searching for the right one, but reading these stories is making me understand and relate much more to my own past. The last two girls I dated have both either told me similar stories to these, or been told to me about them by other people.

Until now I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone, and that both of those relationships failed because there was something wrong with me, but I’m starting to realize there’s just people out there that aren’t as comfortable with the idea of real love than I am, and that’s ok, I just have to find the one that isn’t.

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