Philophobia is what I have recently known of. I am 17 years old and I feel that love is not for me! A girl in my streets stares at me and she’s so loud that I can even hear her making fun of me in front of her friends! She feels no shame staring at me! I try to be away from her. I’ve started getting feelings for that innocent girl who doesn’t talks to much boys! I’m in love with her! I feel my heartbeat rise as she gets near me! And I control myself! I try not to talk to her! Am I being in philophobia!
I am thirteen years old and I have liked a guy for almost nine years. I met him in kindergarten and haven’t been able to let go since. We weren’t friends or anything and we didn’t talk so I don’t know why I still liked him. He didn’t even know I existed!
I’m in my first year of high school this year and we go to different schools but I still live in fear as if he’s still standing a few metres away. I occasionally see him and I almost have heart attacks. I haven’t told my parents because I’m scared of what they’ll think of me and what they’ll do about it.
They contributed to my philophobia a lot too because of there lack of compassion and the amount of fighting. One friend did know and he didn’t understand, that was the last time I told anyone. This fear has Made me completely shut down and distance myself from everything and everyone. I do not trust anyone and recently I’m finding it really difficult to be with my close friends.
I don’t know what made me want this guy so much, he was really no good at all. We never dated or said goodbye and he more than likely doesn’t give me a single thought but it’s not so easy for me. I walk around terrified of seeing him. I’m scared of being hurt and I’m scared of hurting someone the way he hurt me. He put me through so much pain I almost took my life probably about ten times between the ages of 11 and 13.
I would get heartaches every night so bad it felt like a knife piercing my chest. I would know too because I did go through cutting and other extremes. I hardly like to call it his fault that I experienced this much pain but it was due to his lack of care or consideration. I was overly teased for holding onto my affection. Some people knew more about that of me than my name. It was how I was recognised as a person; “that’s the stupid obsessed cry baby who likes ****”.
A girl moved to my school in sixth grade and we became best friends but through the year she and that guy started dating. She smashed my heart into a million pieces and I cared about to a degree all I could say was congratulations and that I didn’t care. But I really really did. I had never cried so much in my entire life. He also used my affection to his own benefit, almost acting as if I were a slave to him. I gave up time, money and even loyalties for him. I did whatever I could do.
I cannot possibly stress enough how hurt I am and he doesn’t even know what he’s done to me. I find myself grasping onto the tiniest of twigs to stop myself falling off the cliff. I find myself lost of hope, trust, sleep and love and all I can do is cry about it. I have no motive for life because of what a boy has done to me. I am doing whatever I can to stop myself wishing to end my pain in the only way I can; by dying. The pain hasn’t ended and it never will. It is my nightmares, it haunts me!
I’ve only learned about the word “philophobia” a few hours ago and I can’t believe I finally have a precise term to describe how I feel.
The thing is, I grew up in a loving family. My parents are still together, there hasn’t been any divorce in our family as far as I know. I’m 21, I’ve only ever been with one guy and I’m the one who broke up with him. I don’t remember having my heart broken by anyone, or just my elementary school “boyfriend” who transfered school, came back years later, walked past 8 year-old-me and totally ignored me (yup, that was quite the first heartbreak, moving on).
My family is deeply kind, but they have a way of nicely making fun of you / teasing you that I’ve never liked. That one time I crushed on my bestfriend? Yup, my sisters thought it was hilarious that were videochatting on MSN. This one time during summer break that I crushed on a boy? Yup, my mom would try to know more and smile like what I feel is “cute” and it made me feel angry and so uncomfortable.
I’m very good at falling in love from afar. I do it everytime, but there’s a pattern. Either I barely know the guy, so the relationship won’t ever happen. Either I know he’s out of reach. Either he’s moving to another city / country. Either he’s from the internet and we never meet up. Either I do actually know him and love him but the second he reciprocates those feelings I run the hell away. As for today, I find myself crushing hard on one of my friends and it’s making me so sad.
I know the second someone loves me back, I run in the other direction. It just happens. On the one hand, I feel like I want them to love me back so badly. On the other hand, I desperately hope they don’t, because I will mess it up and stop feeling anything for them and I don’t want to hurt them.
I’d rather suck it up and handle my own grief than see them hurting and know it’s because of me. If I imagine myself in a relationship, honestly and truly, I feel like I’m going to have to take care of them. What if I don’t want to see them for a day? What if I can’t handle my feelings plus their feelings? What if suddenly I’m scared and I let them down? I know they deserve better.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m longing for more and I want to be able to flirt and talk and meet up like everyone else. It’s making me profoundly sad. I’m scared I won’t ever let anyone in and I can’t bear the thought of that.
When I first started dating people I was around 15 and my first girlfriend was 13, me and her lasted for a year even though she was an online girlfriend, she broke up with me and said she thought she was in love with someone else so I just let her go and since she was my first girlfriend I will admit I was unreasonably upset about it so much that I cried for 3 days. After her I have had 4 other girlfriends also whom where online and eventually the final one I broke up with because she did not seem to take our relationship to heart since she was the flirty type and flirted with other guys behind my back until I caught her one day.
Now I am 18 and I have not dated anyone or even tried any relationships in 3 long years going onto 4 since my birthday will be this month. I did have one girl who seemed to really like me and also had a crush on me possibly who I was talking to on an online website where you can find friends, it seems that once I noticed little thing that may of pointed to the fact that she liked me in a romantic way, I noticed I seemed to become more distant to her and ended up having an issue with “being in the mood to talk to her” and then eventually I just stopped thinking about her all together and have not spoken to her since.
This story is why I feel that I may be philophobic, since I wish I had a girlfriends, but every time the chance comes my way I turn away and run from it with my tail between my legs like a wimp, I wish I could get help with this but I am not sure where to turn, I also am unsure if I even have this phobia. I will admit one thing that does go through my mind and cause me to run from it is that I seem to worry the most about them breaking up with me even though I love them a lot…
Anyone help please?
I thought I was just an heartless person. When my ex left and I can’t see anyone but him in my life… I got real mad. Ever since then I’ve never let anyone in… I’m so cold and I wish wherever my heart is…I want it back
I’m 20 and I’ve never been in a relationship. I want to and like to imagine myself being in a loving relationship and all the warm feelings that come with it. But when I get close to someone I feel kinda disgusted.. like “I dont like this” “I wanna end this”. I already tried..
I feel like love will makes me weaker in front of other people. I believe in true love, however, I’m afraid that I’m not capable to find one. I feel like my partner will never loves me like I love him or my love for him will be gone in a few months. And also it’s so hard to believe in other people relationships like when people announce their love to the world, I often think “it’s just a phase.. they’re gonna be broke up later” or “I dont think they really love each other that much”. Also I never made first move.
I do have several trust issues like never put my expectation high on people or most people never show their true color to the world.
I dont know why I become skeptical about love.. My problem is actually kinda similar to most people here, but the difference is that I don’t really know the reason why I became like this. I don’t have problem with my confidence, I’m not afraid of guys in fact I talk to them easily. My friend said that I have cheerful personality, but maybe that bcs I never told them things like this bcs I’m afraid that I’m actually overreact or they will think that I’m being dramatic.
i don’t have any problem within my family or my non-existent love experience.. my parents were in a loving relationship till my father’s death 4 years ago and my mother still loves him no matter what and refuse to get remarried although she already have many suitors.. am I philophobic? I want to have a loving relationship..