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Philophobia Posts

Is it possible for Philophobia to be deeper than romance?

I experience an extreme disconnect mostly with my family and to a lesser extent my friends. I like to think I’ve hidden it well over the years but I’m beggining to think not.

As a young girl my household was mostly half siblings and foster children, I had one full blooded sister just a year or so younger so obviously we were always stuck together. We were always simply “the girls” and I hated every minute of it. I nearly had a permanent scowl whenever we were out as a family, at home I was able to retreat into my own world but in public I was expected to engage and converse. She would ask me to play, I’d refuse, she’d tell my mother, my mother would get upset that I was being moody, then give me exactly what I wanted the solace of a time out.

As I grew older the same disconnected bhavior followed me to school and greatly impacted interactions with my peers. I never had friends for long, I would become attached to a person or sometimes two. We would play and hang out and do sleepovers, that usually lasted a few weeks months at the most then a vacation would come along and I’d forget all about whomever was my friend. There was never any playground drama involved, not that I was aware of. I simply stopped putting any effort into maintaining a relationship with whatever peer I was dealing with at the time.

When leaving the fifth grade there was a moving up ceremony, a mock graduation. I had absolutely no desire to go and could see no point in any of it, so when they called my name to come and get my “diploma” I refused to walk up. When they kept calling my name, I pretended to be asleep. The principle refused to give up and so eventually with a scowl on my face I stomped as angrily as I could to the podium, grabbed the “diploma” with as much force as I could muster, turned my back and without saying a word or giving a handshake ran off the stage. My mother wasn’t very happy, she thought once I got there among my “friends” I would feel better about it. I believe she would have been right if I was any normal kid, I don’t think until then anyone really grasped the full extent of my self alienation.

Things got worse in middle school, I was wildly oblivious to my social shortcomings in the first year and part of the second. Until the administration got involved. I was a quiet student and kept mostly to myself trying not to get too involved with anyone unless group work was required. Even then I simply chose a task, completed it, then wiped my hands of the project. None of this was intentional, just part of who I am. My teachers started hearing rumors from other students, and would catch kids making fun of me behind my back. Obviously I had no idea what was going on and so it couldn’t bother me. Unfortunately, it bothered the adults on my behalf and that’s when my mother was called and the therapists started and the social groups and mentors. That’s about the time I started to get really angry, I didn’t want to fit in, I didn’t want to have friends, and I certainly didn’t want people to care.

Finishing middle school I was so angry and so resentful of everyone around me I attempted suicide, all I wanted was to be left alone. I never wanted to know I was wierd, or that something was wrong with me. I didn’t fit in and I was perfectly fine with that, until the bubble was burst and I couldn’t handle it. While in the hospital I had my first boyfriend, obviously sex wasn’t on the table but it was still fun. It’s always been easy having a relationship that is doomed to fail. From that experience I found a new way to keep my alienation and pacify the adults in charge of my “emotional wellbeing”.

So begins my personal sexual revolution, the adults saw I was going out and being involved while I was able to “fit in” without any emotional connection. I made it a personal mission to sleep with as many people as I could sometimes more than one person in a day, and gender wasn’t a bias. That went very well for a few years, until the video. I was convinced by an older gentleman to create a video of me playing with myself, he then made copies and sold it to a handful of other pedophiles in the neigborhood. Some “good” samaritan handed it over to the police and so it was back to the therapists and psychiatrist. I had nearly put the whole thing out of my mind until a year or so later when I got a summons out of the blue to testify at a bench trial. When it hit the papers I far too embarrased to go to school, wondering what the few teachers who actually had the pleasure of seeing me in class would think. Since I was only showing up for my electives at that time anyways it came as no shock when I dropped out.

At this time in the story I’m nearing adulthood and have the freedom more or less to make decisions. Most of my decisions at the time were based on the deep rooted resentment I hold for my sister and to a lesser extent my mother. I got involved with some lowlife because he had an apartment and I saw it as an easy way out of my parents home. I moved in with him after just a month or so got my GED and started community college. College was an amazing experience, being praised for academic acheivement and none of the pressure from peers or administrators to make friends or maintain connections. The only black cloud was my current relationship, he was a bit more invested than me so when I inevitable started to pull back he got violent. I ended up on academic probation for missing classes and nearly dropped out again. This time I decided to suck up my pride and do things the “normal” way, so I moved back home.

In my youth I found most of my conquests using aol chatrooms and instant messenger, not having many friends or anyone to andwer to that’s where I went on the rare chance I did want social interaction. Also where I met my husband, we were supposed to meet for a date and do the obvious. We got as far as the obvious part and never stopped, two months in he gave me an ultimatum. He told me I could either move in with him or let the relationship potentially fizzle out. I chose to move in. He also happens to have a daughter who was 4 at the time. This is where whatever this disconnect becomes an actual problem for me. My husband deals with my aloofness just fine, I’ve learned how to appease him enough that he just thinks of my distance as stress related. His daughter however is continually trying to find ways to bond and figure out what we have in common. This angers me to no end, she askes my family about me as a kid, she tries to figure out what music I like, and she’s constantly trying to emulate me throwing my own political views and ideals back at me with very little change to the dialect. Seriously, her attempts at trying to form a connection are so transparent. This has been going on for nearly 11 years and I have only recently been able to look at my own behavioral patterns and notice the correlation between people who want me to love them and the anger it incites. I can only assume the anger is born of fear and it has been so close to me and such a part of me, I don’t know if I would let it go if I could.

There are some pieces of my story missing, but I hope this touches on what I’m trying to say and if there is anyone who understands.

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Do I have philophobia?

I’m sixteen and I’m not sure if I have philophobia.

I have a lot of guy friends but i haven’t had a crush for 4 years up until now.

I don’t like showing affection or intimacy, like hugging with both guys and girls. I also don’t like to open up to people and usually keep my thoughts to myself.

I tell myself that no one will be capable of loving me and feel that people deserve love except me. I like to think of love. I imagine myself on dates or make up scenarios in my head about falling in love but when its in real life I end up being scared.

When I find out that a guy likes me I panic. I also feel disgusted, I don’t know if its towards myself or the guy.

My parents fight all the time, especially when i was younger but now they only do it once a month.

Is it weird for me to wish that they should just get a divorce? I also blame myself that they are still together.

Please, help is this philophobia?

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Losing feelings

This is a couple years back but we met online. I know people say online dating never lasted and I think so too but I tried it anyways.

I met this girl and I really liked her and we became a couple. We lived across the state and it was boring doing the same thing. I was devoted to her and very loyal but she wasn’t.

For the first 3 months when we started dating she lost interest in me because of the distance we have.

After we broke up for 1 month, we went back together again because she missed me and I still loved her then. We broke up a couple of times and it was very tiring.

Then one day, she told me she cheated on me but I still gave her another chance. After that we broke up again. We lasted for 9 months. We talk once in a while but I always kept my distance because she can’t control her emotions.

If we talk for a good month she’ll start liking me again so I always kept my distance from her.

I would think I have philophobia because I just can’t handle relationships anymore or fall in love with someone because I’m afraid.

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Philophobia love

You are confident
You are happy
You are who you want to be
Living most of life’s experiences
Yet fragile in one particularly
isn’t everybody

An eternity you have been searching
And rarely you get this feeling
Where you are both truly smitting
Oh boy this is exciting
Alas others share this fabled story telling

I finally meet a perfect being
after sharing and talking
you are everything I dream of believing
it’s only been a short while
and hope this feeling will never die

For a moment, my life becomes whole
Finally a person I think worthy of my soul
Thinking of you more than now and then
Hoping you are also dreaming of me, amen

Seeking my attention
Returning your affection
There is no misconception
There is definitely a connection

We make ourselves vulnerable
and both want to be lovable
So passionate and unstoppable
This is truly unforgettable

My whole life waiting perfectly and patiently
to give myself to the deserving one and only
and WOW what a month in January
giving yourself to me unexpectedly
filled with the same envy certainly
always texting each other daily

Then you sent this shockingly
We need to talk – I am sorry
What’s this you say you are not ready
Getting hurt again is your worry
Too fast we went…maybe
If so, we are both guilty
Let’s talk about it surely
Too late the door closed abruptly
you killed me softly

My world instantly stops
My heart instantly drops
I try to breathe the air
The dream is suddenly a nightmare
Does this story sound familiar said the tortoise to the hare

You feel yourself about to fall
In slow motion as you’re wishing they’d call
Hoping they realize the unnecessary pain they are causing
But for some reason they don’t want to be communicating
Turn the page was their last writing
So hurtful they must be exaggerating
but you promised not to be harassing

As you are falling, you start to think
What did I do, did I say something
There must be a misunderstanding
Impossible, this can’t be happening
There is no reason we should be hurting
Perhaps they are not telling you everything

Naïve, you still think they will catch you
You left the door open for them to walk through
To tell you “I am sorry I scared you”
But in the end they never do

Feeling like a sacrificial pawn
That’s when you hit the ground
You know they are gone
You are definitely alone
How long and difficult the climb is unknown

You try and heal your wound
May never truly understand their move
Abandoned and used, you are somehow surviving
Eventually getting up on your feet and willing
To climb out of the darkness nobody deserves to be in

You recognize they let you go
Not living the agony they put you through
They actually feel liberated
and this should be respected
because no one should be hated

And as you are making this terrible journey
Giving up on love entirely
Praying that it’s just temporary
Wondering if you will ever truly be happy
Remember that at least you gave it a chance
And learn from this fast romance
Avoid the imaginary love trance
Next time you better slow dance

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What should I do?

Is what I’m doing even right? I keep pushing boys away, no matter how nice they are. I got rejected in 8th grade by one of my guy friends. After that incident, I just felt dead. I don’t know what I should do anymore.

He stopped talking to me and avoided eye contact with me. My heart hurts and I just can’t think straight. Because of this, I stopped having guy friends and trying hard not to be near any.

To be honest, this is hard. I developed depression after a year or two. This just hit me hard. Now I’m in my first year of college. I’m starting to accept this whole rejection thing because of what happened on Thanksgiving. But I just can’t have the strength to like anyone anymore.

I’m afraid to love, afraid to feel the same pain again. Everywhere I go, I see couples doing sweet things together. I envy them but I never planned to break them up. I always wanted a guy friend to comfort me when I’m sad or would spend time with me. But this incident ruined everything already.

I feel horrible…my heart hurts so bad that I just want to scream out loud. Because he was my first crush and even though 4 years has passed, I just can’t find the courage to like anyone again.

Since then, I changed. I was a sweet and cheerful girl back then, but now…I’ve become so cold and mostly don’t have any facial expressions. I lost my smile. I just can’t feel happy anymore because there’s really nothing to look forward to anymore…


Losing Control

I always thought that love was for everyone, that there was somebody out there to relate with, to grow with, to share everything with, to spend the rest of your life loving and caring for. I guess for me that will just stay a thought in my mind, never truly becoming a reality.

I grew up in the church, in fact my whole life was focused on God and his word until recently. Throughout this time I read that love was kind, patient and caring from the word but learned that love hurts, fights and doesn’t last forever from my parents constant arguing and discourse.

I tried to see the light in these situations, look for God and follow his ways, but this only led to heartbreak. I transferred this warped perspective to my relationships, judging those who didn’t live similarly to my lifestyle and pushing those I got close to as far as I could.

My last relationship was the worst of them all. I met a girl in church through a youth program and we instantly became buddies. After a year of flirting with one another we started dating and things started escalating very quickly.

Soon I spent all of my free time with her and her family, shoving friends and family away to spend more time with her. I told her all of my darkest secrets and deepest desires; my heart was in her hands…but she used it for her own purpose. I found out that her and her family were using me against my own family, trying to make me hate my parents, brother and sister and stay close to them. After discovering this I dumped her, but her tormenting and evil still haunts me and my family to this day.

Ever since I’ve been afraid of loving again. I’ve pushed many good girls out of my life since, fearing I’d lose control of myself and be used again. When someone tries to get close I become as cold as ice towards them; removing them from my life in an uncontrollable hatred. I want to feel love again; to open my heart to someone and share my life, but my fears always get the best of me. Maybe someday I’ll try to love again, but the pain of the past will always haunt me.

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