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Philophobia Posts

He leaves when it gets too real

This is both a story about my philophobia and my ex boyfriend who caused it.

I got my heart broken by my best friend. It was the most classic love cliche thing ever. I’ve always been an affectionate person and open to giving love and receiving it back. My best friend, who I’ll call Jack, and I had a crush on each other since we had become close but we didn’t tell eachother until one day by accident we found out and we decided to do something about it.

Jack had a problem where he’d just…leave. Without telling me where he was going or without answering texts, emails, calls, pages and any other things you could think of he’d leave and come back four months later and pick up where he left off. He did it before we decided to be together and promised me he wouldn’t do it to me again. He made a promise and I liked him so much, and loved him so much I just believe it and let myself go heels over head.

Anyway four months in and we both love eachother; its my birthday and I get an email saying happy birthday (not even a text or anything) and from that email I could just tell he was leaving. So far its been more than three months and he hasn’t come back. I don’t know where he went and I don’t know why.

It broke me when he did this. I’ve already had bad relationships in the past and I banked everything on thinking he’d be different when we were going out. He was able to make me swoon and forget in one word. While that sounds romantic I’m under the impression that maybe Jack is a philophobe at heart. He just leaves when things get too real.

When he left and I knew he wasn’t coming back I cried. I got emotionally distressed for such a long time. I loved that man so much and I knew he did love me back. I couldn’t understand how he’d hurt me so bad or just why it felt like my earth shattered when he left and I realised. I knew that all he’d have to say would be ” hey pretty girl, I’m back” and I’d forgive him immediately and the thought of that made me sick to my stomach. I became so afraid that he’d come back and leave me broken like this again. I made myself emotionally distressed because I felt so broken. I can’t express how sad I felt and I just believed that it was the love that killed it.

Now whenever I’m around men my pulse quickens and I get extremely nervous. The mention of his name has me sweating bullets and I get a physically ill feeling at the idea of ever being in love again. The memory of the power he held over me because I was so in love with him is so frightening to me that the idea of it makes me physically ill and I cry to even think about it.

I don’t know if this is temporary. It seems like it isn’t. I can’t love him and I feel my connections to other people dying slowly because I purposely have to distance myself for my own sanity.

Love can be a beautiful thing, I felt how powerful it was. I just hope one day I won’t start shaking at the idea of me experiencing it ever again.

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Anxiety and emotional barriers

Since my divorce, I have been terrified of getting too close to another man. The thought of being with a man again scares and terrifies me because I’m always afraid that they’ll find a way to take advantage of me, that they are not all that nice, and that they will abuse my trust on some level.

I admit I put walls up, and emotional barriers. I’ve caught myself. I find myself only attracted to men that are in one way shape or form not able to commit to me, because it gives me the semblence of a relationship, and when it goes bad, like it usually does, it reinforces the fact that I was waiting for the ‘shoe to drop’. I am admittedly afraid of nice guys. I know that they are potentially stable and able to love, and that scares me. I am terrified of feeling out of control, out of loving someone to the point where they can love me back and perhaps take their love away on me again.

I have withdrawn from relationships because I feel such a high level of anxiety and all I can see they have the potential of going somewhere but by the same token I’m afraid that they will go somewhere, and then I curse myself after the anxiety lifts after I’ve driven the person away, or ended it. Then I realize I lost a potentially good thing. And that is horrible. But at least, my anxiety is gone. I can breathe again. I don’t feel like I’m suffocating or terrified of what may happen. I’m afraid that if I let go and love another man again, that he’ll find someway to hurt me, so rather than take the risk that the person could be genuine, I end it before I can be hurt again. I feel very sad about that too. I’m crying as I write this. Does this make sense? Do other people feel as messed up ugly confused as me? All I know is I want a family so bad, but I’m terrified as to what it means…surrender, faith, trust…how am I to trust another when I am so very scared??!??

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My mother gave me trust issues

Im the type of girl who cant say no to people. People think that I am naive and that people manipulate and walk all over me. The truth is I know when someone is taking advantage of me or trying to manipulate me. I can read people like a book. But when it comes to love I am lost. I just cant open up to people. I feel like its a weakness. I think may have been because of my mother. She would build me up and make me promises and then break them and bring me down. She hurt me and my dad so much I just find it hard to trust anyone. People seem to be drawn to me but I am not really drawn to people. I just sort of back off when someone tries to get close and I hate it. People only see what is on the surface, but I would like my friends and the person I am afraid to love, see what is under the surface that is me.

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I dump them for no reason

I have been single for seven years. Anytime I meet a guy, I let him into my world for a couple of weeks to a month and then I dump him for no good reason. I am scared I guess of developing a relationship.

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Talk myself out of developing feelings

I have never had a boyfriend. My heart has never really been broken. I’m a freshman now. I do know that you CAN be in love even if in High school. To me its a matter of being in love, falling in love, or just infatuation.

I dont let myself believe I have any phobia’s. But I have complications when dealing with relationships. I will think a guys nice and all, but when it comes to developing feelings I somehow-i guess- talk myself out of it.

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Panicking at the slightest hint of intimacy

I’ve been single for six years. My last boyfriend became injured in an accident and suffered brain damage. He became a completely different person. I stayed with him as long as I could but he kept lashing out at me in anger so eventually I left him. I guess I’ve never gotten over it. I try to go on dates periodically and at the slightest hint on intimacy I panic and want to run away.

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